World's Angriest Blog

Topics

2008-09-06T00:35:00.001-07:00

Alright after that, I decided to come up with a few topics for people you should know who you are by the topic.
The lines for the self checkout machines at HEB.
Scouring for an apartment in a major metropolitan area.
Organizing a wedding.
Being the only liberal in a conservative family.
Living in a community of soldiers.
Getting advice on how you do your job from people who think it is.
Being in a work environment where a few of the people in charge know nothing.
Students who don't give a F.
How we leave so much out of the classroom.
Why can some with an education teach.
Driving in a place where the population grows faster than they can build streets.
Living all you friends behind for the "Catcher Glove" as quoted by Austin Nick not the former long haired Nick.
Picking out undergarments for work.

Oie! Once strong hands.

2008-09-06T00:17:00.000-07:00

Oie! It has been a long time since anyone has posted on this blog. You want to know what I am angry about. I am angry about not having the time to post on this blog, not complaining about politics, not complaining about life, my shite job and more.
Seriously, we are the verge of a new president and some good election coverage to throw some words about, and where are the people that complain on this blog. We are not doing ourselves or our fellow United State of Americans any justice by working and not complaining about things.
That is right people. I don't think it is right to call us Americans, because we are not talking about Canadians or Mexicans or the people in Brazil and the rest of people on two massive pieces of land called the Americas. We are talking about the fat asses in the middle of North America. Yes... it is a small portion of two contents in North and South American named by the dude that mapped. Central American is not a continent by the way, so to all you and even our beloved president learn some damn geography. Shit, I know this and I have never ever... ever taken a geography class.

Bump

2007-08-22T21:47:00.001-07:00

Bump

Physics made a monkey out of me.

2007-01-03T15:00:00.000-08:00

Ah, childhood and Barbie Shoes.

...after pulling off doll heads and arms, (and with some careful leg discarding), I would making off with a stash of millimeter-high-whore-sparkle-digs. (Hey, a girl has gotta know what's important in life. And that would be shoes...) But, tragically, I would ultimately loose every plastic-ped to ever pass my grubby hands. And, with the help of the internets and PBS, I have finally made an important discovery about their where-abouts. Here is where all the shoes and cowboys have gone.

Damn you physics. I blame you.

In no particular order:

2006-12-14T14:24:00.000-08:00

Just some thoughts over the last few days:

1. What the crap NFL Network?! Were your feelings hurt when no one wanted to play the extra 20 bucks a month to watch football 24/7? Or do you just like alienating the people that support the sport that gave your crappy channel life? In case the viewers didn't know, the Cowboys game this Saturday is only on the NFLN. People got upset when Monday Night Football moved to ESPN so that only cable subscribers could watch, but I didn't. I pay for cable, but now it's gone too far. NFLN should carry all the games. That way all the Seattle people that live in Dallas or all the Green Bay people that live in Dallas (no one leaves Texas of their own volition) can watch their team's games like they still lived in whatever crappy state they used to live in. NFLN should be a luxury granted to the rich, not a requirement for the fan.

2. North Texas football was the shittiest team in the shittiest conference for the longest time. Then, for a short while, they were the kings of the poop pile. This year, back on their heads. SO what do they do? They fire the coach and hire Todd Dodge, head coach of the Southlake Carroll Dragons. A high school that could probably beat the Texans, the Titans, the Packers, the Cardinals, the 49ers, and most college teams. I mean, they are on a 45 game winning streak. Unfortunately, the only way that Dodge will make UNT any better is by recruiting everyone that comes out of Southlake for what I like to call, Second High School.

3. Earlier I told everyone (hi, mom) about the work schedule (read: playing grab ass with the interns) of or Senate. Well, the Democrats want to put a stop to all this laziness. Their proposal? Elongate the Senate work week. Before, their week started at noon on Wednesday and went till 5 on Thursday. But now, they will work from 8 on Wednesday till 5 on Thursday. Whoopty frickin crap.

4. Anyone else find it a little bit funny that the Senate might switch back to the Republicans with the forced retirement of Senator Johnson from South Dakota? I mean the Dems were so happy and Pelosi was gonna burst with joy at being third in line, and now it could be all even. I think it's kinda funny.

5. What the crap is with the E.Coli everywhere?! People need to teach their cows and pigs where to poop. Spinach, lettuce, green onions. Either God hates vegetables, or some bio-terrorist has forgotten that E.Coli isn't all that deadly anymore. I mean, sure, it might kill the occasional old person, but we got too many of them anyway. It's not terror if we are thanking you for it.

Did you miss the sign?

2006-11-28T06:03:00.000-08:00

From the get-go, let me say that I don't give a flippin rat's phallus about political correctness or inclusiveness. If someone wants to have a club for only Mexican Real Estate Agents, fine. If they want to have a club for only rich white boys, fine. There comes a certain time in everyone's life when they want to be around their own people. Now this division could come from ethnicity, but it could also come from hobbies, jobs, or religion. This last one is the case in this ridiculous story:

"The Nativity Story" booted from Illinois Christkindlemart festival.

The Nativity Story being the new movie about the birth of Jesus Christ and a Christkindlemart being a German festival for, what was it again, oh yeah THE BABY JESUS!! Now, I probably don't have to tell you why the movie was pulled, but just in case you are new to this world, here's Cindy Gatziolis, a spokeswoman for the Mayor's Office of Special Events, had to say:

"The city does not want to appear to endorse one religion over another."

They didn't want to appear this way so that they didn't offend non-Christians. Here's my question, who gives a flyin crap about the non-Christians at A CHRISTIAN FESTIVAL!?! Hell, it's got "Christ" right in the name. It's not like that sneaky holiday "Easter". And how is the movie anymore insulting that the actual festival? I don't go on a Hajj and then ask all the bent-over folk, "Would you mind not saying those bogus prayers, they offend me." So why the hell does every other religion (or lack thereof) get to come to my festivals and muck things up?

Now before everyone starts in with the predictable response (all two of you that read this, and I don't mean you Mom):
Yes, I realize that there were other holidays around the same time as Christmas that came first. Here's the rebuttal: Rosh Hashanah and Ramadan share the same day and get there own celebrations, why can't Christmas and whatever party you have do the same? Also, for the Neo-pagans, history is written by the victors. Accept and move on.

"The city does not want to appear to endorse one religion over another."

Many Happy Combulations Elizagerth

2006-11-20T06:16:00.000-08:00

Did you vote Democrat because you think the war in Iraq is a bad thing? Well just to show you that both sides are completely misguided and that you may have shoved some sort of long vegetable up a normally tight orifice:

Sen. Rangel (D) N.Y. (Chariman of the House Ways and Means Committe) has put in a motion to reinstate the draft.

Just thought you'd like to begin kicking yourself as soon as possible.

I gave it a day

2006-11-09T06:24:00.000-08:00

Ok, I waited a day to put my thoughts together about this whole election thing. And here's a few of those little gems:

Anyone that was Republican but voted Democrat because they felt that the Republicans let them down is a moron. Not because they voted in people that gave no answers, no solutions, and no goals into office, but because they sold out their values and didn't vote based on the pertinent issues. Generally, if you are Republican you are anti-abortion, -illegal immigration, -taxes, -big government, -gay marriage and generally, if you're Democrat you're for those things. So, all you people that switched to 'teach Bush a lesson', have succeeded in your short-sighted goal. However, now that you've put your alter-ego (goatee and all) into power, Lil' Juanita will be able to just waltz across the river into Northern Mexico (or Southern Canada, you pick), get pregnant, realize that she's gonna be given amnesty anyway so have an abortion, shack up with Lil' Juanita #2 and do it all on your tab which is paid by your taxes. Good job there.
I don't understand why the Democrats are claiming this as a victory. Sure, they won power in Congress and it appears that America likes them. But, the thing is, they don't. And almost across the board, they don't agree with what you stand for. How can I say such a thing? Because the person America votes for is no longer a decent judge of where the country stands ideologically. How many times have you heard 'I'm not voting for Guy #1, I'm voting Guy #2'? What you can look to to judge the general thoughts of the nation are the various state ballot initiatives. Let's take a look around the nation and see if they're leanin conservative or liberal:

Arizona-English as the Official Language: Passed 74%
Colorado-Allow Same Sex Domestic Partnerships: Failed 53%
Colorado-Ban Same Sex Marriage: Passed 53%
Colorado-Legalize Marijuana: Failed 60%
Idaho-Ban Same Sex Marriage: Passed 63%
Michigan-Restrict Affirmative Action: Passed 58%
Nevada-Legalize Marijuana: Failed 56%
South Carolina-Ban Same Sex Marriage: Passed 78%
South Carolina-Legalize Medical Marijuana: Failed 52%
Tennessee-Ban Same Sex Marriage: Passed 81%
Virginia-Ban Same Sex Marriage: Passed 57%
Wisconsin-Ban Same Sex Marriage: Passed 59%

I've stood up for Bush in the past. When people called him dumb, I pointed out that he did better in school than Kerry (both were a part of the whole Yale thing...). When he wanted to go kick ass, I was with him. Despite what people think, war is usually good for America (until the hippies ruined it back during 'Nam). However, I didn't realize that he was who he was because he had all his homeys in congress. Now that the Democrats rule the roost, he folded, capitulated, crumpled like ... well like a liberal. "We need secure borders" he said then, now? "I'll work with the Democrats." What do the Democrats favor? Amnesty. And that worked out SOOOOOOO well for Reagan. "We are on the right track, we will win this war" he said then, now? "Get the hell out Rumsfeld, I can't believe you pulled the wool over my eyes!" You know there's another word for Bush... Pussy.
K-Fed is a douchebag. I know this isn't related, but he's going to seek child custody and financial support???? How did a retard such as this get into the pants of what was once a very hot, financially secure lady?

Honorarily Anrgy...

2006-10-19T17:43:00.000-07:00

I bestow on you membership to our organization sir, keep using it well.

IIPTRTEFABTGQGP, Part III

2006-10-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

So I always knew yankees were a bit...retarded. Now, I have proof. They are sooo worried about every little thing that might go wrong that they have banned the game of Tag from the school playgrounds.

FRICKIN TAG!

Schools in Attleboro, MA, Cheyenne, WY and Spokane, WA have banned any contact sports. "It's a time when accidents can happen," said Principal Gaylene Heppe. A time when accidents CAN happen !?! Like when you're sleeping (death), eating (choking), farting (dook in the pants), or sitting in class (boners) !?! So when everyone was freaking out when schools began banning dodgeball saying "What's next? Tag?" the answer is now definitively and disturbingly, yes.

Now, to be fair, Attleboro does still allow dodgeball, at least I think it's dodgeball. They've...um...revised it some. Revision 1? There are caveats that allow people back into the game. Revision 2? They use frickin Nerf balls.

At least one principal saw the ridiculousness of it all and reversed the ban that was already in effect when he took over as principal. But he then went on to say that kids "feel trapped" in organized sports. And that allowing them to run around doing whatever they please is better for them. Sooooo, if being on a sports team is restrictive....then....what is the term for what will no doubt become their life once they enter the workforce?

So that's the yankees fer ya. They either want the little chickadees to run around butt-ass naked, chasin the trails left behind by their fingers or want them in cages.

Oh, and if you think that Southerners are any better, the madness has spread to Charleston, SC.
Thank God I'm a Texan.

Read the story yerself here.

INFINITE EARNING POWER!!!!.....itty bitty vacation time.

2006-10-12T09:56:00.000-07:00

I know I've heard this somewhere (perhaps Timmy) but when did we decide that our lives are worth 1,12,15 bucks an hour? I'm all for the American ideal of honest work, but when did honest work become no life? Now, I realize that only a few short posts ago I was complaining about not working and now it seems that I'm complaining about working, but that's not really the point of this. To demonstrate let's do a little math:

For simplicity's sake, we need a few assumptions.

A person begins college at age 18.
Said person chooses a worthwhile major and picks up a job at age 22 (just after his first graduation, the lucky bastard)
This person makes $40k a year and works at the same company for his entire work life (we won't figure in raises, that makes math hard).
The average life expectancy of an American male has just reached 75.
This guy wakes up and is instantly at work, no drive time.
This guy never marries or has kids.

(Disclaimer: Altering any of these will most likely make the final number at the bottome of this post that much more depressing.)

A:
22 years old + 40 years of work = 66 years old at retirement
75 years life expectancy - 66 years old = 9 years of 'me' time

B:
40 hours a week x 50 weeks (assuming two weeks vacation) = 2000 work-hours per year
2000 work hours x 40 years = 80,000 work-hours
40 years x 52 weeks x 7 days x 8 hours = 116,480 sleep-hours
40 years x 52 weeks x 7 days x 24 hours = 349,440 hours
349,440 hours - 80,000 work-hours - 116,480 sleep-hours = 152,960 'me' hours
(((152,960 me-hours / 24)/7)/52) = 17.5 me-years

C:
A + B = 26.5 me-years.

So by the time you die, you got 26.5 years out of 75 to do what you wanted to in life. So the point is, what are those 50 years worth to you?

You're all sheep! BAAAAAHHH!!!

2006-10-10T08:31:00.000-07:00

Everyone's heard of ol' page-humpin Mark Foley. Representative Mark Foley (R) from Florida said some...unprofessional things and then resigned from his position. There's been some 'slip-ups' in the newsrooms across the country which have led to the uncovering of the whistle-blower and the fact that the pages were likely of legal age. Not that this matters, he's in a position of power and abusing that power to get sexual favors is wrong. It was wrong when Clinton did it, and it's wrong now. But this is not what this post is about...it is about the retards of America.

Turns out that many a Republican will probably lose their congressional seats over this scandal. Is it because they covered up for Dirty Man Foley? Is it because they themselves have had page-relations? Nope. It's simply because they have a R after their name.

Now, I've said on many occasions that I am not a republican, so the fact that the seats might change doesn't really bother me because Democrats and Republicans are the same. But the fact that enough people are dissuaded from what they believe by the actions of one man is preposterous.

There's an article called "The redder they are, the harder they fall" (sorry kiddies, no link. If you want to read it, do a little searchin on your own). It says that Republicans always suffer harder fallouts after scandals because they attach themselves to moral values, while Democrats live in moral relativistic mindset. Okay, fine. Foley should drop from the Earth and never be seen again. I'm ok with that. But why on Moses Malone's green Earth does the rest of the party have to suffer?

When Clinton played "hide-a-pole" with the she-beast from the north, no one said the Democrats were 'morally bankrupt' because of his actions (they were saying it all along because of other things, but that's another story). When Barney Frank played "Poop Grease" with a male prostitute and then hired the man-whore as a personal assistant being paid with tax-payer dollars, society looked the other way. Hell, he's still in congress today. Governor James McGreevey played "Kama on-a-guy Sutra", he resigned his governership. But then went onto Oprah and was applauded for his courage never mind the fact that he broke up a family.

And through all of that (and more), people still vote democrat. Why? Maybe it's because their a little slower than their conservative brethren. Maybe it's because they don't have a moral compass. Maybe it's because they refuse to define wrong and right. Maybe it's because they understand that the actions of one doesn't necessarily reflect on everyone.

So for all the fair-weather repubs, if this one scandal is enough to drive you to vote democrat, then you are in for one hell of a Pong match my friends.

Firstly, a Few Notes on Etiquette...

2006-10-09T06:59:00.000-07:00

In light of all of the cases in the news lately regarding the right to privacy, and recent personal experience, I’ve come to the conclusion that the greatest threat to privacy comes not from the government at all. Rather, it comes from those who are close to us. Suffocatingly, unbearably, close. I don’t understand some people’s seeming lack of the need for personal space. Every day…greeted with a hug, or a smile or a question of “how was your day?” Call me unpleasant, call me grouchy, say I’m PMSing if you must, but there are a few hallowed times of day, circumstances, and places in which conversation—no matter how pleasant or how pertinent or well meaning it may seem—is absolutely inappropriate.

1) Before my morning cup of coffee. Do. Not. Talk to me. If possible, I prefer you not even be in the same room. If this is unavoidable, and our simultaneous presence in a room happens, conversation is to be avoided like the plague. I will not make eye contact, and I better not so much as feel your eyes on my person. If such detection takes place, you may lose one (or possibly both) of the aforementioned sensory apparatuses.

2) In the bathroom. This is, as my grandmother says, a place where the pope goes alone. If he is allowed his privacy, and he’s the leader of an international religion, surely I, lowly layperson that I am, am entitled to the same. If we were having a conversation when we entered, say, a public restroom, the moment either one of us enters the stall, that conversation is effectively halted. It is not to be resumed until both parties have begun washing their hands.

3) If I am angry or upset, do not talk to me. Do not try to talk me out of it. Leave me with my sighs of frustration, furrowed brow, and angry music. I’m angry. I’ll get over it…eventually. Anger is natural, normal, and dare I say enjoyable at times.

4) Closed Doors. They indicate something. If you knock, and I do not answer, this is not so much a hint as another, symbolically louder way of saying, “Fuck off and don’t talk to me.” The reason is not one you should even guess at—because quite frankly, it’s none of your damn business. If you are concerned for my physical health or well-being, you needn’t. If something has gone wrong, and I am in fact dead or hemorrhaging, I’ll let you know. Which brings me full circle back to my first point, if you are worried about my mental stability and emotional state, perhaps instead you should worry about will happen to your physical health and well-being if you do not respect the privacy that a closed door indicates.

To my angry colleagues, eternal thanks for the opportunity to share the rage...

Maybe it's one of those matrioshka nesting dolls...

2006-10-04T12:07:00.000-07:00

Okay, I don't care for the super-slender, size 0 woman. No boobs, no ass...I'm sure if we were slammin ham she go into a conniption fit wondering if she had to work off the calories later. But equally unattractive is this:Jean Paul Gaultier thought "hey, everyone is complainin about waif models, I guess I need to use someone else....and if a girl isn't skinny...then...she's...FAT! Mon Dieu!" This is just as bad as before, but I guess now at least most of the world can wear the clothes straight out of the fashion show, unlike this (another Gaultier gem):
At the very least, I think it's finally safe for McDonald's to enter the fashion market.

IIPTRTEFABTGQGP, Part II

2006-10-02T12:19:00.000-07:00

Let me start with, I need more chokin hands. Sometimes I lie awake at night, begging the good Lord to make me like Dr. Octo so that I can more efficiently squeeze the life out of more retards.

Today's beef? The city of Frisco, Texas just fired a teacher with 28 years of service. How is this so annoying? Teachers are fired everyday...well this one was a 5th grade art teacher who took her kids to the Dallas Museum of Art.

Why is this causing so much of an uproar? One of her precious little crotch loogies saw a boobie and cried to mommy. Mommy was upset, complained, and now a teacher is out of a job. If, by chance, you are on mommy's side, let's walk through the process:

Teacher: Class, we are going to go to an art museum later this month. We will be able to see great works of art from all over the world and learn why I have to consistently flunk you on your crappy "Daddy, mommy, and me", "Renaissance Lesbians", and "Vagina-Nosed Monster" drawings.

Kids: ¿Qué usted está diciendo, señora loca? (sweet commentary on today's public school system...I'm awesome.)

Teacher: Now, you have to take home these permission slips and get them signed by your parents because there might be some things there that they may not want you to see. (hands out permission slips)

Kids: Yo le le cortaré, perra.

(Parents read, sign, and return the slips...even if they don't understand them, they sign them. We know this because the kids are not allowed onto the bus without a signed slip. We pick up at the DMA...)

Teacher: And this is a sculpture (points to a replica of Venus). Notice the lack of shitty ashtrays.

Kids: Chiches!!!!

(Return home, parents are regaled with epic tales of chiches. Oh, Dios Mio, Chiches?! Et, voila, teacher is sans job.)

Now, the very important thing here is the creation and signing of the release form. The school's muckity-muck's knew about the trip and approved it, allowing the teacher to hand out the slips. The parents knew that the kids were going to an art museum and they still signed the form. So the fact that the little chickadees may see a stylized boobie was presented to all involved.

The only thing the parents can say that bypasses this is that they have never been to an art museum and seen what is inside. Any parent that steps forward and says this should immediately be revoked of the parentship. I don't care if you like it, I don't care if you were dragged, but everyone needs to have at least been in one.

Instead of smoking dope and dry-humping the clay pencil holders her students made, this teacher actually took the initiative to educate her students. And how is she repaid, by not being paid.

So Sail on Sweet Frisco. One day you may achieve your dream of having only the worst teachers and most uneducated, uncultured students, but for now, just keep chugging away at that roster of qualified, dedicated saps that call themselves teachers.

Is it possible to reshape the Earth from a ball to giant, quivering girl parts?

2006-09-27T08:50:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. I've been relatively unangry (being able to afford to eat will take the edge off life). However, I figured it was time I spoke out a little.

Let's start with here: German staging of Mozart play pulled for fears of Muslim backlash.

Now, there wasn't actually any complaints from the Muslim community. The German authorities just didn't want to deal with the possibility that there might be an outcry. Here's some things you should know:

What's the offending play, you ask? Idomeneo.
The bad scene? King Idomeneo walks on stage with the decapitated head of Muhammed.
What most people won't tell you? There is also the decapitated head of Buddha, Jesus, and Poseiden.

Where's the concern about the Buddhists storming the castle walls? I mean, their monks can't even get along with each other. Why should they stand for a decapitated representation of the founder of their religion (or way of life, or however you want to play the semantics game)? What about the Chrisitians breaking through the drawbridge? They've got the crusades to their name! They have shown that they could lay down some serious pain. Or the Poseidians....with their fish....and...tridents....

What's actually happening is that the world is saying one thing and doing another. They say: "Muslims are a peaceful people". They do: Cower before the Muslims like the nerdy kid with too much lunch money. They've so completely removed their danglies that they're dancin in a circle, holdin hands, singing Paula Cole songs, wearin pretty polka dot dresses, goin goo-goo eyed over DiCaprio(Affleck, or some other light in the pants pretty boy) and plannin how they gonna hold the Islamic cock (two hands or one?).

So, to you world, I say GROW A PAIR. Either say what you actually think (in the above example that would mean that you say the Muslims are a volitile, jumpy, quick on the trigger people) or follow what you say (put the play on quit worrying about offending every last person).

Now, to the 2 or 3 peaceful Muslims (should they happen across this)who might be offended. Shove it.
Let's pretend that what you are spitting out is true, and these are just a few disgruntled people ruining your good name(10% of 1.4 billion people is....). Then why are people afraid of the Muslim response over other religious outcries? I'll tell you why, when someone makes a cartoon about Muhammed, you kill people. When you are poor, you riot the streets and, oh yeah, kill people. What do Christians do? Protest. What do Jews do? Pray. Buddhists? Well, they take it. But they don't kill people.
It's like this, if a bully hits a kid one day, then again the next day, then again the next day, until the kid flinches whenever the bully walks by, no one questions why the kid flinched. You have to ask yourself, if Germany flinched...who's the bully?

Last Days on Earth

2006-08-30T19:02:00.000-07:00

T.V. rarely makes me mad.

I only watch the things that make me happy...

Science.

Fake Punditry.

Picard.

But today I was betrayed,

ABC aired a show about the top 10 things that are going to kill us all, at least I think it was ten I could only stand to watch 7, 6 and 5.

It was the worst kind of fear-mongering bullshit. As any good American I am used to fear-mongering as it is the status quo of broadcast news. But this time...
It was personal.

They turned my sweet, sweet Lady Science into a common street walker by vomiting such garbage as rogue black holes swallowing the Earth and machines taking over and killing us.

Black holes don't wander. The processing power of computers will not continue to double every few years indefinitely.

How dare you Steven Hawking...How dare you Michio Kaku...
You should be ashamed.

[BAMF]

?

2006-08-13T19:34:00.000-07:00

Why is no one angry lately except Marla? I HATE everyone. Get in touch with your inner fucking rage bitches.

Thank you.

I hate children. And rainbows. And kittens.

2006-08-07T10:02:00.000-07:00

I think this speaks for itself. Mostly because I'm too lazy to write about it.

But I will leave parents with a word of sagely advice: Beat your children. A good slap or two just might save their life someday. Besides, it'll make the rest of us feel less like kicking your ass.

Its Hard to be Racist When You're Seeing White Folk Rhythm

2006-05-28T19:11:00.000-07:00

I don't know how anyone can be a white supremacist after seeing us dance.

Choose. But Choose Wisely.

2006-05-05T06:20:00.000-07:00

Screw the real world. Maybe it's because everyone thinks that people need college educations that the college mentality has finely started to permeate the real world. In college, it's all about snobbery. 'Well, I am a physics major, so I'm smarter than you' or "Well, I am an English major, so I can write better and sound more intelligent' and then there's the whole grad/undergrad thing, the frat/regular student thing, the 'you don't have what it takes to get a degree in my field' thing. II had found it all so frickin retarded, but I perservered because I knew that on the outside, things would level out. Apparently, I was wrong. For instance:

I have a bachelor's in English with a relatively high GPA. I have spent many a semester in computer science, music, and geography. I am currently a grad student because the real world wouldn't hire me as a teacher because I don't have a certificate. You have to demonstrate that you can be at least as shitty a teacher as those that you remember from grade school before they let you into the club. OK...fine. So I go for a certificate. Costs me oodles of frickin money, but I do it. Go out for a job. 'Oh...that's an alternative certification. We only take real certifications.' AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh FUCK YOU! Having dealt with students, I've seen what a 'real' certificate in English can do for a teacher. Let me tell you it's pretty awesome. I didn't think it was still possible to get out of grade school as an illiterate bumbling moron, but there's just another area I was confused about.

Ok...so maybe education isn't that important. Maybe, it's all about work experience right? No. I have 5 years of experience in my current field (albeit as a lowly part-time, barely payin rent kinda employee). A real job comes up that my experience more than qualifies me for. If not guarnateeing me a job, it at least should get me an interview, I think to myself. Again, wrong. This time, the weeding out factor pre-interview was a Physics degree. So the 5 years I've put into the physics field, about a bachelor's if you want to look at it that way...but in practical experience only, mean dick.

So what does this rant ultimately mean? Just this. Save your money, learn a skill, go to trade school. Fuck college. It doesn't matter what major you're going into, the real world will find some way to fuck you, so just go somewhere that will teach a low level skill that will get you a crappy job. Crappy though it is, at least you won't die of starvation with multiple thousands of dollars of debt in your name.

Ohhhhhh, I wish I was illegal immigrant. That is what I would really like to beeeee. For if I was an illegal immigrant, everyone would be in love with, everyone would be in love with, everyone would be in love with me.

Modern Science is Better Than Sex

2006-05-04T08:18:00.000-07:00

My dear colleagues,

I am sitting at work this morning and contemplating the marvels of modern science and all it has done for mankind. I imagine myself one of the great philosophers: Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?

As the morning wears on, I figured I must share some of the modern marvels that have traversed my brain…

Modern science is giving us Star Trek one day at a time. JORDY and PHASRs (spelled wrong, granted) have now made their way into our lives. Star Trek geeks everywhere are beginning to have sex with women. The reason? Nerdy females who want their offspring to see Zefram Cochran and a warp drive engine now believe in the Star Trek reality.

People are living a long, long time. Instead of pissing on the grave of someone’s ancestors, people can now piss on the actually ancestors. And by people, I mean women, too. And now women can even pee standing up. I always wanted a strap on adapter so I could carry 30 ounces of urine around. You don’t even need to piss on a grave. You could kinda pour it out like a watering can.

PhotoShop. It made Janet Jackson’s boob look less like a poached sack of dumpling salad and more like a breast. No really. I mean it. And speaking of breasts—modern science has given us better ones that aren’t on photo paper. No longer does one have to be as overweight as a cow for breasts the size of –insert spherical object here—. Girls (or their sugar daddies) can now buy them and have them sewn on. To combat the back problems that often go with bigger breasts, just keep lying on your back girls. No one will mind. The days of the milkshake girl are now over for everyone except Mr. Bateman.

I almost vomited setting up that last link. It’s a wonder Patrick hasn’t dissected me yet. I don’t know if that’s modern science or modern art.

Biodiesel. Now we can feed our fat asses at McDonalds while simultaneously feeding our need to drive gas guzzling cars. Everyone wins. Well, except for the oil companies. And they don’t need to win anything but China’s heart.

Quantum Mechanics can answer all of life’s questions. I will admit that quantum has been around a while. But what better way is there for getting rid of physicists? If they aren’t hanging around in my office annoying me, I don’t really care how fast they are going. And if they aren’t hanging around me, perhaps they really are dead.

My dear colleagues, who so ignore this blog, I know my post is about modern science and not about being angered, but hopefully this post hasn’t angered any of you with it's non-angriness. After all, the internet isn’t about being pissed off and writing it on a blog, it’s about free pr0n and useless stuff to do at work.

I'm Not Quite Angry Yet

2006-04-25T10:36:00.000-07:00

Like most people, the normal every day things like TPS reports and cum loaded fax machines (that can't get the job done right) don't really bother me. Rational folk are calm and collected. We get over the annoying things: doing grade-school busy work at an 8 to 5 job, the stack of final notices on the kitchen sink, and the neighbor that only engages in after hours drug busts. Everyone has problems. These are just mine. I keep thinking to myself, "Listen up maggots...."

Today was different. Why not act on anger? Sure, it's semi-illegal depending on the reaction. But so are a lot of things that happen in the state of Texas. Why do I have to accommodate stupidity hour after hour after freakin' hour?

That bitch that cuts me off in the parking lot? I'm going to put chewing gum under her door handles. Grima Wormtongue down in purchasing? Let's just see how many worms find their way into her coffee pot. The neighbor upstairs? I bet I can rig up some way to play "Hotel California" on the hour, every hour. To all the hippies who want me to love the world and everyone in it: Go choke on a pesticide encrusted flank steak.

Try moving to Zimbabwe

2006-04-11T07:59:00.000-07:00

This weekend many illegals and their supporters marched on the country even though the senate folded like little gymnast girls on the reform bill. While I was watching this and thinking of ways to construct some large, human sized fishing net, I came across this ponderance:
All the illegals and many a legal want free and easy citizenship. How would the rest of the world handle such a demand? So I did a little of the old googling.

To become an Italian citizen:

Be born in Italy. or
Have a recent family member born in Italy and be able to prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt. or
Have a valid work permit and live in the country for:

one year if you are have formerly held Italian citizenship

three years if you are a foreigner with native-born Italian parents or grandparents

four years if you are a citizen of another EU country

ten years if you are a citizen of a non-EU country

To become a UK citizen:

They must be aged 18 or over and are not of unsound mind. and
They must be of good character. and
They should have a sufficient knowledge of the English language (or Welsh or Scottish Gaelic). and
They should intend to live in the UK or in Crown Service abroad.

In addition the UK citizenship candidate should have fulfilled the five year requirement as detailed below. The five year period is measured from the five years the date the application reaches the home office.

The candidate must have been in the United Kingdom at the beginning of the 5 year period; and
In the 5 year period the candidate must not have been outside the United Kingdom for more than 450 days; and
In the last 12 months of the five year period the candidate must not have been outside the UK for more than 90 days; and
In the last 12 months of the five year period the candidate's stay in the United Kingdom must have been not subject to any time limit under the immigration laws; and
The candidate must not have been in the United Kingdom in breach of the immigration laws at any time in the 5-year period.

Even if you marry a UK citizen, you have to do all these things, the periods of time are just shorter.

To become a French citizen:

One of your parents is French
You have been married to a French person for more than one year and are still living together
You have not lived in France for over a year, but you are married to a French person and have had a child together before or after the marriage, and you are still living together

Note: Even if you are born in France, you are not a citizen unless your parents are born French.

Finally, becoming American:

a period of continuous residence and physical presence in the United States;
residence in a particular USCIS District prior to filing;
an ability to read, write, and speak English;
a knowledge and understanding of U.S. history and government; good moral character;
attachment to the principles of the U.S. Constitution;
and, favorable disposition toward the United States.

No work visas, no marriage, no kids. You have to speak English and like us. That's pretty much it. So how many of those marchers meet these two basic criteria? They had to have American flags forced on them so that they looked better on camera. And their signs were in Spanish half the time. 0 for 2. So if everyone else in the world has stricter laws and they actually enforce them, why are we racist when they aren't? Why are we wrong for demanding to know who the hell is in our country when they aren't?

What can you do? Well, write to people (See addresses in previous post). Or, perhaps more fun, call INS (actually it's the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement now) at this number 1-866-DHS-2-ICE (1-866-347-2423). Your tax dollars are going to fund this organization, so make them do their job (they are obviously not going to do it themselves). Or, see if you can convince the local Po-po that you don't need to pay that speeding ticket, because you aren't a felon...you're just waiting for traffic law reform.

Lastly, nice job Illegal Jose and Illegal Josenita on the boycott. Really felt the crunch without you working. If you're going to walk out on the only thing that is keeping your felon a$$ here, then just keep walking down to that hell hole you left. Douche bags.

The links:
An open letter to President Bush I found entertaining.

More info on Italian citizenship.
More info on UK citizenship.
More info on French citizenship.
More info on US citizenship.

In other news:

2006-04-04T15:21:00.000-07:00

Things that make you say WHAT THE FRICKIN CRAP?

Ok...let's say you're a movie maker.
Also, you decide you want to make biographical movie.
And, you want to do one of the most well known people in recent history.
And, you pick Blessed Mother Teresa (she's not a saint yet).

You now find yourself in the predicament of picking the person who will protray a woman who won the Nobel Peace prize, lived her life with and for the poor and was so appreciated by 1/3rd of the world's population that she's been fast tracked into sainthood by the late Pope John Paul II (himself fast tracked to sainthood).

Now...who do you pick? An actress that has attempted to do similar things, one that supports the same causes, or just one the stands up for something in general? If that can't be found, would you next want an amazing actress that can put aside their ideaological and spiritual differences to really make the the persona of Mother Teresa come through?

Apparently, the best choice is a snobby heiress that has 3 bacchanales for her 21rst birthday with only the elitest of peoples and whose only acting experience is B-movies and a pesky home video sex tape...that's right PARIS FRICKIN HILTON!

T. Rajeevnath is doing such a movie and wants Paris because"her features resemble Mother Teresa." That has to be similar to matter and anti-matter colliding. At the very least, one of the signs of the impending apocolypse.

Read more about it here.

It's not me, it's you.

2006-04-03T08:23:00.000-07:00

Why is everything someone else's fault nowadays?
It's not the illegal immigrant's fault he's a criminal, it's the justice system's fault for making it a crime. It's not his fault he raped that girl, she shouldn't have been wearing those sexy clothes. (we need to be careful with this one, cause if this excuse flies, then we'll all be stuck with this girl.) People are always blaming others for their own mistakes. Take Basic Instinct II: The Reckoning. Ok, that's not it's real title but here are some actual facts.

Basic Instinct I: The Bloodening

Basic Instinct I was released in 1992. That's 14 years ago.
Sharon Stone was 34, attractive, and not yet vocal about things that seem awesome, but make no damn sense what-so-ever. I watched in rapt attention because I was 12 and wanted to see what my penis seemed so interested in.
Michael Douglas was a strapping 48 years old and was probably at what should be considered the height of his career.
It grossed over 100 million dollars (It's 1992, that kinda money didn't exist, it's like asking for 100 kazillion dollars.)

Basic Instinct II: Vagina Free in '07

Released in 2006. That's like now.
Sharon Stone is now 48, looks like this, and says things like "If you're in a situation where you can't get out of sex, offer a blow job" because they are "100 times safer." I only want to watch cause I need a new image to stave off the old yogurt explosion. (You can only avoid slinging ropes for so long using this before you Pavlov yourself into thinking it's sexy.)
Michael Douglas is now 62. But he's not in this one, so this don't matter.
In the first weekend, it grossed around 3.2 million. (It's 2006, that's barely enough for ...wait...it isn't...wait...it's barely...nope, definately not enough for a gallon of gas.)

Why am I bringing this up? Because of this comment by the director of Basic Instinct I in an attempt to explain BI-II's poor showing at the box office:
"Anything that is erotic has been banned in the United States," said the Dutch native. "Look at the people at the top (of the government). We are living under a government that is constantly hammering out Christian values. And Christianity and sex have never been good friends."

It couldn't possibly be that they chose to make a crappy movie, could it? Or, that they chose to make a sequel to a movie that is now 14 years old? Or, that they optioned an actress that, while not unattractive, is not at the top of many people's "Do her even if she killed me" list? No, no...it's clearly because of the government that movies like "She's the Man", "Failure to Launch", "ATL", and "Ice Age II" beat "Basic Instinct II: Care Bear's Revenge" out. Hell, your movie made just as much as "Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector" this weekend, and that piece of crap is in its second week.

There comes a time in evevryone's life when you just have to step up to the plate and admit that you screwed up and it's your fault. Even me. If I could just stop being so humble, I'd be perfect.

Not pissed off yet?

2006-03-29T11:49:00.000-08:00

Here are some pictures I thought everyone might enjoy. These were taken at the LA protest which was put together in part by the Mexica Movement:
This was put out by the Mexican Government (translated):
How to illegally immigrate and live!

Here's some info for ya:

Kay Bailey Hutchinson
SR-284
Washington, D.C. 20510-4304
Phone: (202) 224-5922
Fax: (202) 224-0776

John Cornyn
SH-517
Washington, D.C. 20510-4302
Phone: (202) 224-2934
Fax: (202) 228-2856

The Bill as it stands today.
Couldn't find a petition for everyone, so you'll just have to write your own letters.

Viva la revolucion!

2006-03-28T07:17:00.000-08:00

I was watching the news the other day (believe it or not, there is a saturation point with internet porn) and I saw the demonstrations by all the Latinos and Latinas protesting any changes to our immigration laws. First off, kudos to you my South of the Border friends for not torching a place to show your anger. However, some things came to my attention that made me decide to write this post.

1. Many of the people marching down the streets by the thousands were admitted illegal immigrants. They told this to the news crews and held huge banners proclaiming such. The biggest shock of this was that the demonstration had police escorts. Ok...so maybe in the future it won't be illegal to hop the border, but right now it is...sooooo...why weren't these people arrested? You could have just herded them straight back to Mexico. Let's put it another way, if heroin addicts took to the streets to protest the war on drugs and were shootin up as they did it, they'd probably get paddy-wagonned.

2. These illegal aliens (guest worker is a bunch of crap by the by) say that all they want is a better life here in America because their country doesn't afford them any opportunities. This makes sense. Mexico is like the fat chick that the hot chick walks next to so that she looks that much hotter. The problem? While using this line, what flag were they waving to show their allegiance? That's right the Mexican flag. No wonder these people aren't citizen's yet, cause the first question on the citizenship test is:
Which picture is the flag of the United States?

3. They claim that they are taking the jobs that Americans don't want to take. I call shananigans. According to the CDC, hispanics make up only 11% of the workforce. So, clearly Americans are taking some of the crappy jobs.

4. If they want to be here so bad they can become a citizen. But they won't do that cause then they'd have to pay taxes and pay for their health care. If you don't think this is a big deal (Anyone who is suffering should have the right to see a doctor), than take yourself (or a white person) to a hospital. Recieve some type of care. Now if you speak English, try getting out of there without paying anything. That's right, you can't. Now try it with someone who doesn't speak English. I'm not saying this happens all the time, but with as much as I've been in a hospital I've seen it happen enough. I always get stuck with a $2k bill and Juan just goes back to work.

So, if you've been here longer than a 90 day Visitor's visa allows, and you aren't working towards citizenship, then get the f out. We don't swim in your toilet, so don't piss in our pool.

China Syndrome

2006-03-22T17:33:00.000-08:00

Two Things:

China just passed something called a "consumption tax". This is a tax applied to gas guzzling cars, golf balls, and anything that is wasteful and selfish. They are even applying this to chopsticks, they are serious. Texas needs one of these, to pay for the schools.

China is not our enemy, quit treating them like one. They will get assimilated soon enough, don't piss them off.

[bamf]

WHY WILLIE? WHY?

2006-02-15T08:26:00.000-08:00

There are times when I get really tired of hearing about the plight of gay people. Life may be difficult at times for them, but in the grand scheme of things they don't have a whole lot to complain about. (I'm also tired of hearing crap about reparations, but at least the Black people have some ground...when was the last time the gays were enslaved?) However, there are also times when I can't wait to hear what they have to say. Take this conversation with a friend of mine who prefers pole over hole:

Gay Dude: (something about homosexuals)
Me: Dude, you are so gay.
Gay Dude: That's right Patrick, I love to suck dick.

Said in perfect deadpan, this was perhaps one of the funniest moments in recent memory. But there is another instance coming on the horizon with the release of the film "Allah." Allah is directed by the same person as Trembling Before G-d, a film about being gay and Jewish, and is about being gay and Muslim. Why would I look forward to the release of this movie when I couldn't care less about Brokeback Mountain? Because if one still picture can cause an uproar that leads to arson, violence and 3 deaths, what do you think 30 pictures a second will do?

But why would you want more violence? Cause the more we can get those wackos (I'm not including all Muslims here) go nuts over stupid crap, the more the world will recognize them for the wackos that they are.

However, there are times when I want to cover my ears and sceam LALALALLALALALALA. Until today, it was just cause it made me feel icky (like talking about a girl's happy fun places in a scientific way). But now....now I don't know what to think for the great Willie (the bastion of hippies and rednecks alike, the dope-smokin, tax-cheatin, crazy SOB) has released a song titled:

"Cowboys Are Frequently, Secretly (Fond of Each Other)"

Apparently, this song was written before Brokeback (who's soundtrack Willie is actually on singing He was a friend of mine.) But maybe it's about how cowboys develop a brother-like bond on the trail. Nope, how do I know? Here's some lyrics from the song:

"What did you think all them saddles and boots was about?" and "Inside every cowboy there's a lady who'd love to slip out."

So my question is, how do we rectify this new song and others like "My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys" and "Mammas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys"

I feel icky again...

This weekend in sports

2006-02-14T06:25:00.000-08:00

So I'm sure everyone's heard the horrible news already, but I just had to put my two cents in. Why Kwan? Why did you drop out of the Olympics? Now America will still kick ass, figure skating won't gain any popularity, and all of your ubiquitous television ads will go away...oh wait. I don't care and these things will happen anyway. For anyone that cares, here's her 'gut-wrenching' story.

In other news, Cheney shot his friend. While the atrocities of this have been well covered by Timmy, there is one thing you may not have known. Cheney was actually hunting illegally. That's right, he sent a 140 dollar check to Texas for a non-resident hunting license ($125) and for an upland game bird stamp ($7). But, apparently he only got the non-resident and the federal migratory stamp ($15) which he already had. So now he has to cough up 7 whole dollars to make things right. Again, more things I fail to care about.

And perhaps the most awesome thing, "Detectives got sex services as part of prostitute probe." Basically, undercover officers got involved in a little 'aerobic' activity. After all, you can be in a whore house, you can barter with a whore, you can even give her money and start to take her clothes off BUT you can never really be sure she's for real unless you've got a little shine on the pole. Special bonus, the title of the article...got sex services as part of prostitute probe. See it's funny cause the officers were probing the prostitutes during the sex...ah nevermind, it's too intellectual of a joke for you.

Do I Detect a Challege?

2006-02-13T06:06:00.000-08:00

From an interview with the Google guys:

HOW MUCH DO PEOPLE USE GOOGLE TO LOOK FOR PORN?

PAGE: It's a small, single-digit percentage. We generally think that having more access is better, as long as you're not a child or overly offended. But we can help people do filtering if that's what they want, though there is no technology that can tell with 100% accuracy if an image or website is pornographic.

That thing is HUGE

2006-02-10T07:16:00.000-08:00

I've often wondered what it would be like to have sex with a very tiny person. Could you put them in a baby sling and jsut walk around the house doing normal chores while casually having sex? Would it be possible to grab a hold of their shoulders, give them a good bit of torque, and watch them spin like a globe of the Earth? What would that even feel like? But I had never contemplated the next step, what if she became pregnant? I had always just dismissed the possibility because, clearly, my sperm would be gigantic compared to her eggs and they would eat them (Egg-inator Sperm...oh yeah) and babies don't grow in sperm.

However, my world view is now thrown into disorder because I found this. Turns out babies can grow in sperm. That chick is only 37 pounds. Her husband looks like a frickin giant next to her. Now, let's think about some things...

1. She just had a baby...a normal (though premature) baby. I'm assuming she's proportionate in her no-no spots. I've heard complaints about pushing out a watermelon...but what if it was the world's largest watermelon? Imagine that pain.
2. That baby will very quickly be as big as its mom. Which means the kid could bring his mom to show and tell by, like, second grade. Everyone else brings lego airplanes and their favorite dolls, and this kid brings his toy mom...probably in her own carrying case which brings me to my last point...
3. This dude had sex with this chick. Now, I've admitted that I have pondered this dynamic. But I was always assuming a normal midget. This girl is like the teacup poodle of humans. I mean a the average length of a penis is a substantial portion of her body. It's like Dirk Diggler bangin a petite Asian. Or Shaq drillin for oil on Kylie Minogue. And at 37 pounds, she has to be on top. And if you got really into it, would she just bounce right off or would it be like trying to get a donut off of a flagpole?

My day is now full with contemplations...

A little respect...(sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me)

2006-02-08T06:15:00.000-08:00

It's no secret. I hate many a thing. Idiots that get all hot and bothered over a cartoon (Christians didn't kill four people when someone painted Christ using cowshit and the Jews (who take crap from just about everyone) have yet to become a problem) are one. People who need something to cling onto to validate themselves and then force that crap on me (I'm looking at you Hare Krishnas) is another. But something that really gets my goat is people who blatantly disrespect the dead. I doubt many people paid attention to the Coretta King funeral. But those that missed it missed something excruciatingly irritating. One Reverend Joseph Lowery took his time to say his thoughts on the life of Mrs. King. Apparently the best thing he could come up with (according to the audience) was this:

"She extended Martin's message against poverty, racism and war. She deplored the terror inflicted by our smart bombs on missions way afar. We know now that there were no weapons of mass destruction over there."

At which point he received a standing ovation some 2 minutes long. What the crap? Isn't this supposed to be about the deceased? But he continues. "But Coretta knew, and we know, that there are weapons of misdirection right down here." He then nodded his head towards the four Presidents sitting in the audience. "For war, billions more, but no more for the poor!" Again, the crowd goes into wild applause.

So this is no longer a memorial service. It has now become a political platform to bash Bush and vaguely the entire office. (Assuming of course that he was nodding to ALL of the presidents) You would think a reverend would have more encouraging, comforting words to say at a time like this. But apparently, no one that was there really cared about the lady.

But maybe it was just this one preacher and the entire audience that was being disrespectful. Maybe the rest of us Americans can look with pride at the way our past Presidents presented and carried themselves. As the heads of our nation, they no doubt were models of behavior. Nope. Here's what ol' Carter had to say:
"It was difficult for them then personally with the civil liberties of both husband and wife violated as they became the target of secret government wiretaps." Ok, they were causing a stir in their time. They were undoubtedly being watched (if someone was organizing a HUGE group of people to come march onto your front lawn, wouldn't you be interested in their movements too?) and perhaps this statement was just a description not a stab at the current administration. But he continues: "This commerative ceremony this morning, this afternoon, is not only to acknowledge the great contributions of Coretta and Martin, but to remind us that the struggle for equal rights is not over. We only have to recall the color of the faces of those in Louisiana, Alabama and Mississippi," Carter said. The rest of this sentence was drowned out by loud applause. "Those who were most devastated by Katrina know that there are not yet equal opportunities for all Americans. It is our responsibility to continue their crusade."

In another political climate, this statement might actually fit in with the wake of a civil rights activist. And many will shrug this comment off as just that. However, we all know that the accusation has been made that the government let the black people die (and only the black people...with one of those black people seeking hurricanes everyone's heard so much about). It couldn't possibly be that the government just sucks and they let everyone die, could it? No. That would make too much sense.

Damn...it's chilly in here

2006-02-07T06:38:00.000-08:00

Shove this up your greehouse gas exhaust pipe hippies:

Scientist predicts 'mini Ice Age'

ST. PETERSBURG, Russia, Feb. 7 (UPI) -- A Russian astronomer has predicted that Earth will experience a "mini Ice Age" in the middle of this century, caused by low solar activity.

Khabibullo Abdusamatov of the Pulkovo Astronomic Observatory in St. Petersburg said Monday that temperatures will begin falling six or seven years from now, when global warming caused by increased solar activity in the 20th century reaches its peak, RIA Novosti reported.

The coldest period will occur 15 to 20 years after a major solar output decline between 2035 and 2045, Abdusamatov said.

Dramatic changes in the earth's surface temperatures are an ordinary phenomenon, not an anomaly, he said, and result from variations in the sun's energy output and ultraviolet radiation.

The Northern Hemisphere's most recent cool-down period occurred between 1645 and 1705. The resulting period, known as the Little Ice Age, left canals in the Netherlands frozen solid and forced people in Greenland to abandon their houses to glaciers, the scientist said.

Perhaps "World's Angriest" is a Misnomer

2006-02-03T08:13:00.000-08:00

I think I may have to change the name of this blog.

The reason is that I do not believe that I or my compatriots are nearly as mad as your average follower of Islam. Someone prints a cartoon of your religious icon and your head explodes with anger. Thats quite impressive. I don't think I could summon that much anger for a cartoon, perhaps if it portrayed Chuck Norris or Willie Nelson in a bad way...

[BAMF!]

P.S. Any extremist who reads this, please don't hate me and lighten up please.

Blatant Content Theft

2006-02-01T05:16:00.000-08:00

Since I have no other outlet for my primary means of personal expression, making up redonkulous facts about Mr. T and Chuck Norris, I have to post them here. My art must be unleashed. Without further ado...

Mr. T developed the Uncertain T Principal. This principal states that if Mr. T knows the exact foolishness of a fool, he cannot measure his pity for said fool with absolute certainty and vice versa.

[BAMF!]

damnit!

2006-01-22T21:08:00.000-08:00

I WAS SO ANGRY A FEW MINUTES AGO! Now I forgot what I was angry ABOUT! Now I'm even MORE ANGRY!!!!!!!!

DAMNITTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ghost of Christmas Past

2006-01-15T16:06:00.000-08:00

If you still have Christmas decorations up in any form, for the the love of god...

TAKE THEM DOWN!

Fuqrnoassphrfft...

2006-01-12T17:31:00.000-08:00

I have a problem. I suffer from a duality of personality. Two facets of my psyche are dipolar opposites. One keeps me from doing foolish things and another keeps me from venting stress. I am both prone to violent fits of rage and at the same time completely adverse to confrontation. So when someone makes me mad, I do nothing about it but let it fester and build up to an eventually MASSIVE heart attack. I am not saying that I am a perpetually angry individual. I think I am fairly laid back, but sometimes... sometimes it seems assholes are just trying to make me snap. Case in point, today I was riding my bicycle. I had had a nice ride and I was almost home. It was pretty late in the day, so the traffic was a little heavy. As I was riding thorough the town square, I anticipated a battle in my psyche. To my left was two people I could sense were gargantuan assholes. You may ask how I could tell this. Well, I was in college for 7 years and I have been around frat boys, pretentites*, and general pricks that whole time. One develops an ability under such conditions. So when these two young white men in a large white pick up truck blaring rap music, one wearing a trucker hat turned to the side and one wearing a multicolored beanie, pulled up behind me at a stop light I knew trouble was soon to follow. The light turned green. I took off. I could hear the rap music and impatientence building behind me. I hear a honk. I thought, surely to God that was not directed at me, there is lane clearly open to my left. The assdouches pass by me as close as they can. The passenger yells me "Get on the side!" I see red. I try to answer this young man's protests but all I can say is the title of this post instead of "fuck you asshole, I have just as much right to this lane as you, you pre-fratboy high school piece of shit I hope you die slowly of an incurable cancer of the nerves and then suffer an eternity of torturous ass rapes by the most well endowed demon in deepest pit of hell" like I wanted. At the next stop light, I have a strong and serious compulsion to walk up to this pick up, pull the passenger out of the window, and proceed to beat the boy to death in the street. I would probably thrash him for a few minutes and then curb-check him. But alas, the non-confrontational side won out and and saved me from a life in the penal system. And all I can do is write about the experience and thats just as good right?

FUCK NO.

So if you are a person like I described above, remember I am the everyman and at anytime I could once and for all get tired of your shit. And woe unto you on that day.

*Someone who uses the term "PoMo" in casual conversation in an unironic manner, reads German philosophy for fun, hates Bush because its the hip thing to do, basically the opposite end from the frat boy.

People That Made the World Better

2005-12-20T17:34:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of people that I thought the world was better without...Hitler, Stalin, Tse Tung. They killed, terrorized, and really shouldn't have been on this earth. But after listening to the throng of people at the funeral for Stanley "Tookie" Williams, perhaps I was wrong about them all.

Ol' Tookie was apparently an upstanding citizen of this society. He "wrote children's books warning against gang life" and wanted people to "promote peace and teach [the kiddies] to focus on rebuilding the neighborhoods." Snoop Dogg, Jesse Jackson, Tony Robbins and many more were all present to mourn the passing of this great man. All this and the Governator still let him die on death row. What could have possibly led to this decision? Let's take a look.

Helped found the Crips. This gang is now nationwide and has hundreds of murders and robberies associated with it. Oh, and its formation spurred the creation of the Bloods which has led to some of the most prolific feuds in our nation's history.
Convicted in the murders of 4 people in 1979. He was sentenced to 4 death sentences (and this is in frickin California).

Perhaps his trial was a miscarriage of justice and he never got a fair hearing. Consider the history of his appeals (plural).

On April 15, 1981, defendant Williams' motions for a new trial and for modification of the verdict and findings imposing the death penalty were heard by the Court and denied. The trial court then sentenced Williams to death on counts 1, 2, 3 and 7.
On April 11, 1988, on automatic appeal to the California Supreme Court, the imposition of the death penalty was affirmed and defendant Williams' first habeas petition was denied following an evidentiary hearing.
On January 18, 1989, the California Supreme Court denied Williams' second state habeas petition.
On April 11, 1994, following another evidentiary hearing, the California Supreme Court denied Williams' third state habeas petition.
On June 21, 1995, the California Supreme Court denied Williams' fourth state habeas petition.
On December 21, 1988, defendant Williams returned to federal court and, following an evidentiary hearing, the United States District Court denied Williams' amended habeas petition.
On December 17, 1999, Williams' subsequent motion to reopen the judgment was denied.*
On September 10, 2002, the United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit denied Williams' direct appeal and motion.
On September 9, 2004, the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals amended the opinion and denied Williams' petition for rehearing.
On February 2, 2005, the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals denied Williams' subsequent petition for rehearing.
On October 11, 2005, the United States Supreme Court denied defendant Williams' petition for writ of certiorari.*

Finally, the most awesome thing about the funeral is that there were "gang members flashing hand signs waited in line to enter the 1,500-seat Bethel AME Church" and one of the attendants, one Mr. Killowatt the Third, was quoted as saying,"That's my role model, man. That's the CEO of the Crips." Clearly, everything he has done has made just as much impact as the creation of a violent organization.

Super finally, in response to the question "what can a black man do, what can he do in society, to get another chance at life?" offered by Rick Hayes of Compton (an attendant):

umm...maybe not kill people, maybe not found an group that is going to use unlawful violence (yes, I realize police also use violence...but the difference being that they are generally held accountable for their actions) as its main means of enforcement. This guy got what was comin to him.

I have a better question, "What heinous act can a black man do, what plague on society can he unleash, before people will stop looking up to him?"

I heart Republicans

2005-12-15T10:16:00.000-08:00

I just read something that made me so angry I puked in my mouth a little.

Ever since the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve Oil Drilling proposal was shot down last month the House Republicans have been scrambling for a way to get it passed.

Their latest ploy is just plain insidious.

They are considering attaching the ANWR drilling proposal as a rider to the Pentagon budget. I know that attaching unpopular bills to ones that can't lose is a normal tactic in Washington politics, but this is a low blow.

"It's going to be on one bill or the other before I go home," said Senator Ted Stevens, Republican of Alaska, a leading proponent of opening the Arctic plain to oil production. (NYT)

I think these assholes are taking this personally.

A cost benefit analysis of drilling ANWR I looked up showed that the US would LOSE $600,000,000 over a long period of time. Not to mention...

THERE IS ONLY ONE ARCTIC WILDLIFE PRESERVE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!

So why are they trying so hard to get this passed? In the long run it can't help us in our foreign oil dependence.

By my calculations the optimistic estimate of 16 billion barrels of oil thought to be under ANWR would only supply the United States with about 2.2 years of oil, and thats if we continue to consume it at the current rates. However, this is not really a useful calculation because that oil would go into the global market. That amount of oil is just a drop in the bucket and would not affect prices in the least.

So, I will be paranoid and say that a few people are trying to get very rich with this proposal. They will get rich at the expense of a treasure of the natural world.

And you know what the really angrifying part is, I will probably be working for a oil company by next year. Why? Because I gotta feed the goddamn monkey.

I think its a good time to start drinkin'.

Ten Things I Hate About The Christmas Present

2005-12-15T09:14:00.000-08:00

First of all, fuck the ghost of Christmas Present. What a pansy.
Here's my list, dictated in every particular order (I've discovered, I like lists. That make me all Lisztless):

10) 1-888-ELF-POOP. This Chrismahanukwanzakahans marketing ploy is a thinly disguised gay fest with a loud-mouthed elf whose only desire is to pound Santa in the poop shoot.

9) Jews. Yep, way to screw up our holiday. We get to listen to your songs in school. You get some 8 inch candlesticks and a crappy, clay top. Nobody wins this. Just switch over already. Plus, picking on you is like picking on women drivers--all too easy and never overdone.

8) Reindeer. Damn it Dasher. Eat some cheese. Every time the wind blows I see a rain of puddin pellets stream off the roof. This year won't be any different.

7) The Mall Parking Lot. Just watch all the cars driving up and down the rows next time. It's like watching sharks circle prey.

6) Eggnog. Most of us convince ourselves that it tastes a little bit decent despite having the consistancy of snufflelupagus snot. It's just not worth it. A 'nog hangover consists of running to the bathroom and throwing up before the alcohol is even absorbed.

5-2) Christmas Carols. They get four places on the list because I hate hearing them. Don't sing the damn things unless you are at church, caroling around in the street, or drunk in Tortuga. How many times do we need to hear O Little Town of Bethlehem? I stopped counting by my second Christmas. And for those of you sick bastards who start playing them before Thanksgiving-- may you trip on the corpse of a dead kitten, fall on your back, and experience a fat man's balls from the dark underneath.

1) Santa. That cheap bastard. I'd much rather have coal than a lump of chocolate kisses. That fat, pedophile, furry fuck! And coal even tastes better. Like burning.

The Dallas Cowboys... the girl you hit because you love her.

2005-12-12T18:22:00.000-08:00

I have always tried to hate the Dallas Cowboys.

Ever since I learned about America's real pastime, I have resisted rooting for America's Team.

Why? I am not sure. Maybe it was a rebeling thing or my love of communism that led me to favor the Packers as a youth.

But alas, I couldn't resist the inevitable. If you are from Texas, or at least the better parts of that greatest of lands, you have no choice but to care deeply about the performance of the Dallas Cowboys. I think it is genetic. So that is the best explanation I have as to why I jumped up and clapped at an inanimate TV last Sunday when the Chiefs could not make a simple field goal in the waning seconds of their game against the 'Boys.

Goddamn Cowboys...

[If anyone (as if anyone reads this blog) tries to call me on my past essay about the ridonkulousness of sports pride, I have two words for you... suck it.]

[BAMF]

I made her, I rule her

2005-12-01T07:51:00.000-08:00

Why the crap is the New Hampshire abortion case going to the Supreme Court (which, by the way, is an awesome title...I will now be known as the Supreme Bateman...so.cool.)?

Because we have to fight for women's rights. Abortion is not a woman's right anymore than me taking an axe to unknowing yuppie's head whilst wearing a rain coat is my right. Aside from this, if this is what you think this case is about than you are as well read as the average high schooler.

For you that don't know, this is a case about a parent's right to know if their little girl is going to get an abortion. Let's make sure this is clear in your brain...a child (defined as a legal minor, i.e. under parent's supervision) who by law is unable to buy booze, buy cigarettes, buy porn, quit school, walk alone after 10 pm, drive a car, fill their own prescriptions, buy glue or paint, or have any medical operation without parental approval is supposed to be able to make the decision to have an abortion (a medical operation, why this one is different I don't know).

So, let's look at some of the standard defenses for those pro-abortion people.
It's a woman's body, it's her choice. Aside from my previous statement, the females in question here are not women. They are girls.
It could ruin her life and at such a young age that would be a horrible shame. Yeah, it would be a shame BUT what ever happened to personal responsibility? There's also the possibility that the abortion could ruin her life (depression, breast cancer [2.5 times more likely if the lady aborts her first pregnancy]).
What if her parent's had threatened to hurt her if she ever did something like became pregnant? For one, CPS. Two, to some extent these are called consequences. If a young kid got told that he or she would receive a spanking if they came home with bad grades, and then got bad grades, this wouldn't be a problem (or at least it shouldn't be, kids need a good beatin every once and a while).

In the end, my second main problem with this is that she is someone's CHILD. She is in no position to make these type of decisions. Furthermore, it is not the job of the schools, government, or Supreme Court to raise my, or anyone else's, kid. If I am responsible for a child's education, health, food, housing... then I have every right to make the decisions for that kid and to know everything that is happening to that kid until such time as he or she gets out from under my roof. Until that time, the parent should lord over these not-yet-member's of society.

A Checklist, Necrophilia Style

2005-11-29T20:33:00.000-08:00

My dear colleagues;

In light of our past hallowed weekend, I have decided to raise one our prodigious past. In his 18 April post, Mr. Bateman cleverly depicts societal fascination with an illegal phenomenon. I would like to expound upon his racy diatribe. Wait. Halloween was a month ago. I mean, in light of our Native American Displacement Holiday, here's a loverly "checklist" of unanticipated anger.

I know. Such flowery, eloquent language. If you've got it, use it.

If not, you might consider applying for a driver's license in Texas. You could take a driving test in a language other than which a street sign is written. You, too, can be the next societal burden. Yep. I said it. Burden. Dress me in a tutu and call me racist Joe like you mean it.

Strangely enough, when my family moved here (less than a century ago), they were able to learn the language under which the American Country operates. It probably wasn't easy for them. Maybe they weren't smart. They didn't go to school. They worked crapass jobs so that their children could eat. And for the first couple of months in America, they probably starved and made friends with all the Italian-Americans (whatever the fuck that means) down Dago Drive.

But damn. They came here with more legal than Burt and Ernie’s Sesame Street Sex Fest. But fair enough. Your life sucks. You want to live illegally in a country. You'll go through life poor, but avoiding the 25-40% tax the rest of us get to pay. Hell, you even get the services we pay for--for free. And your kids get free college. But you know, whatever. I can go to another country without a card, get a job, and expect all the society has to offer free of charge.

It's there, just go deeper

2005-11-29T06:55:00.000-08:00

So, America is fat. The skinny folk say it's the fast food lifestyle, the fatties say the feds lowered the healthy BMI range, the Asians say ka-ching round eye, buffet make-a me rich. Regardless...or irregardless, of these things America's collective ass is now many times bigger than it's head. Which any scientist will tell you is a certifiable case of 'ghetto booty'.

I had come to accept these things. Hell, the Romans of eons past let themselves get complacent and large and it did nothing but good things for them. I pushed these thought from my mind until I found this article.

All I have to say is, Women! Take your asses back! Keeping the extra cushion for the pushin is one thing (some wise words by a few modern day sages comes to mind), buying a slightly larger pair of pants cause you just aren't motivated to hit the gym after a kid is ok, I'll even grant you the chance to discover if cottage cheese thighs actually have cottage cheese somewhere on them (cause everyone loves cottage cheese), but the instant your fat ass needs a longer needle you have crossed into a new realm of icky weirdness.

ON a side, unrelated note. Gene Roddenberry is a prophet, you need to read this entire article.

Celebrities and Global Warming Need to Die

2005-11-20T21:54:00.000-08:00

I don’t know if anyone else watched the live comedy show “Earth to America” on Sunday, but I did. Primarily, I was worried that my heart was beating too slow and that my last aneurism was a full month ago (two more and I get a free heart bypass), so I tuned in to help correct some things. Turns out this was a ‘Save the Earth: Stop Global Warming’ event held by those bastions of common sense and scientific knowledge: Hollywood Superstars.

I have many a problem with this. First, I can almost guarantee that none of the stars flew on an overbooked 747 to this gig (which was in Las Vegas of all places). It is possible that some of them may have decided to car pool (or plane pool, but I don’t think that’s a word…yet), but 3 people in a Gulfstream IV* hardly seems in line with the overarching message they wanted to convey.

Second, simply because you have money and people watch you on the talking picture box does not give you the right to force your drivel down my throat. Even more bothersome is everyone’s shortsightedness towards them. If everyone quickly recognizes that Tom Cruise is some wacko when he says things like, "When you talk about emotional, chemical imbalances in people, there is no science behind that." Why should he be given scientific credentials when he tells you that the humans are turning the Earth into a giant oven?

Lastly, they’re espousing this crap because they live in hell holes like Los Angeles and New York City. They go outside, see all the smog and conclude that if it is like this here, it must be like this everywhere else, and if it’s like this everywhere else than we are screwing the planet in that special Michael Jackson kind of way. With this in mind, they then seek out findings to support this so that they can go to fund raisers and feel good about contributing to the ‘greater good.’ Let’s look at some things:

The polar ice caps are melting away.
NASA’s Goddard Institute shows little to no change in polar temperatures since 1920 (.25 degrees at most). As for coverage, the northern cap has shown little to no change since 1979 (USGCRP) with the Arctic regions actually increasing up to 2.6% since 1979. (Science, 1997)
Wildfires are happening more often.
Draught conditions are caused by La Ninas, which are followed by El Ninos which bring rain. It’s called a cycle and the Earth has being doing it for a while now. (Intellicast)
The Mean Global Temperature is higher now.
Well, they are higher now. But we are coming off of one of the coolest time periods in human history (the so-called Little Ice Age) which occurred between 1500 and 1750. (OI) So saying that it’s catastrophically warm compared to earlier years is like saying a muffin is a feast because it’s some Ethiopian eating it.

We’re probably doing bad things to the planet, but the planet does its own things on a scale that we can’t even comprehend. If I whoop the crap out of you and then an ant bites you, which would you say had a bigger impact on you surpassing your pain tolerance?

*A Gulfstream IV burns 3,000 lbs of fuel per hour, that’s 500 gallons…that’s after the first hour where it burns 5,000 lbs of fuel, 833 gallons. In contrast, a Corolla will burn 2 gallons in an hour.

Rah Rah Ree... Go To Hell.

2005-11-19T14:44:00.000-08:00

There are few things I am intensely proud of. I am very proud of my family, heritage, and where I come from. I am proud of the idea of America. I am proud of some of my personal accomplishments. Everything else seems insignificant compared to these things. One thing that really irritates me is the when people are fanatically proud of sports teams. I will be specific and refer to college sports. I go to a University that has a football team. We are a nobody team in a nobody conference, and yet more money gets burned by our athletic department than any academic department by far. We win about as much as we lose. Our football team won our conference championship once or twice, but that is no big deal in the pathetic conference we belong to. The administration and various campus organizations want us to support these losers and exhibit school spirit. I have always been dumbfounded by the concept of school spirit. Why should I give two shits or a fuck if people I don't know win or lose at a game. This is a long standing mystery for me. I was the kid who never stood up and cheered at pep rallies ( or pepper alleys if you are from where I'm from). I was always thinking, "I could be learning right now, and yet I have to sit here and pretend to care about something that is truly pointless." You may call me a dork and you would be correct, but you cannot deny my logic. I thought I would be rid of the childish traditions of school spirit once I got into college. No such luck. If anything college spirit is even more insipid. It is a manufactured devotion, because most people's only true connection to their university is a financial one (i.e. tuition). Much to my dismay, my university is having homecoming this weekend. It has been a weeklong waste of time with a parade and all manner of school pride displays including chalk on the sidewalks telling me to be proud of our football prowess and hideous tissue paper arranged in chicken wire abominations made by frats and sororities doing the same. Give me one good reason why I should stop and care about this. Really, I mean if it would briefly distract me from thinking about how the hell I am going to get a job to pay back the staggering amount of student loan debt I have accrued whilst getting a practically useless degree I would welcome it. I think my hatred for this institution really stems from my disgust of tuition supported college sports. Which is just a way for rich white folk to let minorities go to college to get a subpar athelete education and provide bread and circuses all in one nice little package. And the kicker is that they don't spend a cent on the scam, me and all the other middle class nobodies pay for it. That, however, is another blog post entirely. Also, college education is a business and it should be run as such. I do not think I should be expected to cheer for my college anymore than the guy who changes the oil in my car or my bank teller (although at least they are providing a tangible service that actually benefits me). I could be proud of my university. If someone in the biology department found a cure for cancer, I would paint myself green and white and hold up a John 3:16 sign at the Nobel Prize awards. If a physicist formulated the grand unification theory, I would be "whoopin'" it up for good ol' State university at the APS conference. But if some guys push some other guys across a line more times? I think not.

[BAMF]

A History Lesson

2005-11-16T12:49:00.000-08:00

So after only three years, I'm really tired of hearing people bitch about this Iraq war and the justification used to go over there. I was going to do the research to correlate WWII with this war, but I got tired of trying to teach you lazy no-history-knowin slack-jaws. In brief it goes something like this:

both started with a plane attack
after shaking off the shock, we declared war on one enemy and then expanded the scope of the battle (at first we declared war on Japan (December 8, 1941) while officially staying neutral against Germany (September 5, 1939), look it up)
both wars featured a very tricky opponent...granted in different ways, but tricky none the less.

The point being that this isn't the first time we had to adjust our plans after heading into battle. Also, by about this time in WWII we had almost 416,000 dead. We recently just past 2000 in Iraq. That is what history books define as a ass-whoopin. Instead, I just thought I'd include excerpts from an address by the president as covered by CNN:

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- From the Oval Office, the president told the nation Wednesday evening why he ordered new military strikes against Iraq.

The president said Iraq's refusal to cooperate with U.N. weapons inspectors presented a threat to the entire world.

"Saddam (Hussein) must not be allowed to threaten his neighbors or the world with nuclear arms, poison gas or biological weapons," the president said. "I ordered America's armed forces to strike military and security targets in Iraq. They are joined by British forces. Their mission is to attack Iraq's nuclear, chemical and biological weapons programs and its military capacity to threaten its neighbors."

The president also stated that, while other countries also had weapons of mass destruction, Hussein is in a different category because he has used such weapons against his own people and against his neighbors.

Iraq failed to cooperate with the inspectors and placed new restrictions on them, the president said. He said Iraqi officials also destroyed records and moved everything, even the furniture, out of suspected sites before inspectors were allowed in.

Timing was important, said the president, because Iraq could rebuild its chemical, biological and nuclear programs in a matter of months, not years.

The president also called Hussein a threat to his people and to the security of the world. "The best way to end that threat once and for all is with a new Iraqi government -- a government ready to live in peace with its neighbors, a government that respects the rights of its people."

Please remember that these are only excerpts, not the entire article.

Oh...I forgot to mention, this was an address by President Clinton (not Bush) on December 16, 1998. So, whenever you hear this blowhard talking about how he thinks Bush is a retard, remember he was of the same mind only a few years before Bush had the testicular fortitude to put everyone's words into action.

See the whole article here.

Please Don't Burn Paris...

2005-11-03T12:10:00.000-08:00

Paris, the froggy variety not the east Texas one, is a powder keg primed to explode. In the north and east suburbs North African and black African youths are rioting, looting, shooting at police and firefighters. This all started because two yoots died when they hid from the police in a power station and were electrocuted. The rioters believe the police chased them there, the police deny that claim. First, a third person survived the execution and said they were well aware of the danger going into the power station. They died because they were stupid, not because they were marginalized by French society. Second, the rioters are using the situation to "vent" their frustrations by destroying their own neighborhoods. I will never understand the idea of riot as a means of political statement. The results of a riot are always counterproductive. Your home is destroyed. The people your were rioting against lose more respect for you plight and view your cause, correctly, as infantile. All this invokes a minor twitch of anger in me, but really I could care less if someone wants to burn down their own town. HOWEVER, Paris is one of the greatest cities on Earth and I have very strong feelings about it not buring to the ground. So, kindly... Please don't burn Paris, you fucking crybabies.

HALLOWEEEEEN angrieness

2005-10-29T16:30:00.000-07:00

I LOVE HALLOWEEN SOOOOOOOOO MUCH that I am ANGRY about it damnit!

that is all for now.
peace.

Retards in the news (or more hypertext than previously seen)

2005-10-26T06:36:00.000-07:00

I've put a lot of thought into making this post. Mostly I came up with zilch, but then I ran across this article. Now, putting aside my hatred of ol' Mrs. Clinton, she's a frickin moron. So as not to e a political blog, I would like to direct your attention to just her stupidness as shown in this statement: "she doesn't support a deadline for withdrawing troops from Iraq nor does she support leaving our troops there for an open-ended period."

Let's put this into perspective, the troops shouldn't be there for an open-ended period of time, but we shouldn't put a deadline to it either. I thought deadlines were what ended periods of time. This encapsulates everything wrong with the members of both parties. But on to more retards...

Then on Google News (the best thing ever by the way) has this article that was posted by ABC News. Hell, I couldn't get past the title before my brain oozed out through my ears. This is a professional news agency and it puts "Nutrional" in words bigger than my left nut.

From the Drudge Report (also awesome), comes this article also posted by ABC News. This retard who thinks the world cares about her and is pissing all over her son's good name is going to "tie [herself] to the fence [of the White House] and refuse to leave until they agree to bring our troops home." Many a problem with this. 1. She'll be dead first (though this isn't technically a problem for everyone else) 2. The White House gate is like 400 feet from the building. NO WILL SEE YOU. 3. Stationary targets are easier to shoot.

The there's these idiots. I don't know what they are teaching our screeners in Ye Olde Screening College, but bombs have to be made form things that will actually explode. And last I checked, cookies don't meet the basic criteria for exploding.

In a mockery of the US and its immigration policy, here's this. So, millions of Mexicans can figure a way across our borders...but our own people are stranded in Mexico? If my geography serves me correctly, I think the US is due north of Mexico. And, if you're thinking that the bus systems are down and they can't leisurely get home, I say Tough. Shit. It's not like they are stuck in the ass end of Kazakhstan and bullets are flying past their heads. They are on a resort beach, drinking margaritas and being serviced sexually by underage Mexican boys at half the cost of their American counterparts. Everyone should be so lucky.

For you Bond fanatics, here's this. What kind of pussy-ass Bond hates guns? "Handguns are used to shoot people and as long as they are around, people will shoot each other." No crap. That's what makes them so damn cool. Eliminating idiots should be a requirement. "I've seen a bullet wound and it was a mess. It was on a shoot and it scared me. Bullets have a nasty habit of finding their target and that's what's scary about them." Who is this wuss? All Bond does is kill bad guys and give the ladies the business. Bond can't be scared, he's saving the world. I'm going to write a letter suggesting they replace this blubbering vagina with Jason Statham aka Turkish. That would be a kickass Bond.

That's all for now.
Oh, and this post as been pre-spell checked for all you anal bastards out there...I'm looking at you Luca.

Greatest Americans?

2005-10-24T15:35:00.000-07:00

The Discovery Channel and AOL have released the results of their greatest Americans survey.

"After tallying more than half a million online nominations, Discovery Channel and interactive partner America Online today unveiled the list of the top 100 nominees. Ranging from inventors to athletes, politicians to musicians, the list takes the pulse of the nation and reveals the qualities we most admire. "

Being a dork of many colors, including listing things and American history, I was quite interested when I heard about this. When I read the list my interest, naturally, turned to disgust and hatred. The list does take the pulse of the nation, and it is the pulse of an illiterate mongoloid child with the attention span of a gnat. The ranking of some of these great American's is just embarrassing, not to mention the glaring omissions. There is too much wrong with the list to go over it all, so I will hit the high points.

Ronald Reagan is the Greatest American of all time. Yep, according to all of you assholes. Above Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, FDR, TR, Jefferson, and every other president. Name one thing that old bastard did. He made communism fall. FUCK YOU, communism fell because it is a fundamentally flawed system, the gipper just was at the right place at the right time. The reason you made him the greatest of all time, he died a year ago and that's about the extent of your memory America (and he didn't own slaves, but guess what HE WOULD HAVE).

The Entire Bush Family is on the list. Why, why, why, why, why?!?!? No one whose accomplishments all occurred with in the last 30 years should be on this list. History has to judge you, and guess what American just because you can only remember people from the very recent past doesn't make them great. Pick up a goddamn history book you FUCKS! Twenty years from now, the Bush administration will be looked down on as an embarrassment to America. This bias to the last twenty years explains why a great majority of the people are on this list i.e. Clinton, Condolezza Rice, etc. Look at the list, you will see.

Sports greatness does not translate to American Greatness. You can call me naive, but just because you can play a game well doesn't mean you are a great person who has made a genuine contribution to the greatness of America. I am looking at you Bret Farve, Michael Jordan, Lance Armstrong, Babe Ruth, etc. Jackie Robinson and Jesse Owens you belong but not because you could hit a baseball or because you could run fast.

Rich=Great. Just because you made a billion dollars doesn't mean you made this country great, and in reality you probably made it worse for the rest of us. Bill Gates, Carnegie, Ford, Donald Trump, Sam Walton.

I HATE YOU ALL. America, I have not the words... Oprah Winfrey, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Lucille Ball, Tom Cruise, Ellen Degeneres, Mel Gibson, Tom Hanks, Michael Jackson, Jackie O, Rush Limbaugh, George Lucas, Madonna, DR. FUCKING PHIL, Marilyn Monroe, Michael Moore, Christopher Reeve, Joseph Smith, Steven Speilberg, Martha Stewart ( I am weeping at this point).

People you have betrayed. Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, Bob Wills, every American author ever, the American GI, scientists, Lewis and Clark, Sacajewa, Chief Joseph, Sam Houston, Davy Crocket, Daniel Boone, EVERYONE AT THE ALAMO, VALLEY FORGE, GETTYSBURG, IWO JIMA, PEARL HARBOR, NORMANDY, I could go on and on and on.

I will end on a positive note. You did include George Patton, John Wayne, Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King, Jr., Audie Murphy, Pat Tillman, Carl Sagan, Jonas Salk, Mark Twain, so you are not all bad.

"It is every American's duty to be informed." -Luca Brazi

Those Idiots!

2005-10-23T09:03:00.000-07:00

How could you die in a more stupid way than this?

Football players ran to their goal post after a homecoming game and pulled it down and it fell on this kid and he died...... WHAT FREAKING IDIOTS!

Anger managed.

Sexists

2005-10-15T12:15:00.000-07:00

My fine colleagues,

It has come to my attention that sexism has not been eradicated from our work places, despite what the media tells us.

On SpikeTV, you get 5 hours of trek a day and enzyte commercials with Bob. We get Roseanne and Ellen’s Lesbo Mementos and the happy toilet scrub. Clearly, you have the best of the networking worlds on your side. While we’re barefoot and washing dishes in our office, shouldn’t we at least get something better than Oh!’s “BIRTHSTORIES” to have on in the background?

The time has come for an end to sexism in the workplace. You broke our network. Give us yours.

Damn you Sky Harbor International!!!

2005-10-13T21:12:00.000-07:00

So wednesday was the day I was coming home from my opening in Phoenix... I never wanted to come home from an opening so bad. Phoenix sucks, y'all. It always seems like when you are on a plane it's the LONGEST flight ever when you really want to be where you're going.

So we're all on the plane and just sitting at the gate and sitting there and sitting there and we're all like "Let's go already!"

The captain comes on the speakers and says "Folks, uhhh we're sorry about the delay... uhh there appears to be a problem in our cargo area, we'll get back to you here shortly with an update on our final departure time". Everyone groaned... "grooooooan!"

10 minutes (which seemed like 40 years) later the captain comes back on and says "well, uhh folks, we finally ascertained our problem, here... uhh it seems as if someone's suitcase from the previous flight leaked some humming bird nectar into the cargo area. As you know humming bird nectar is mainly sugar and is very thick and sticky... folks, it's a pretty big mess down there and uhh we don't want it to get all over anyone else's bags. It's gonna be a few minutes, probably about 15 for us to get a crew down here to clean it up. Please be patient with us, we'll be in the air as soon as we can".

.......

BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! Who the hell travels with humming bird nectar???? Shit! Then we had to wait for 15 other planes to take off before we did. I was angry.

Now I'm cured... yessssss...

Hey Lefties! Listen to This

2005-10-11T20:04:00.000-07:00

Without the ACLU many of our so-called 'civil liberties' would be gone, right? Without the constant vigilance of these guarddogs, the right would take over and we'd be another Nazi breeding ground, true? America must be allowed to run FREE!!! you cry.

In an awesome display of why anyone that agrees with this is a huge retard and a support for my inherent awesomeness,consider this:

THE ACLU IS DEFENDING NAMBLA

So, because continuous thought is usually outside the realm of you crazies, ACLU is American Civil Liberties Union (sounds good...but wait) and (for the not idiots, look to your left for the facial expression of the retard sitting there) NAMBLA is the North American Man/Boy Love Association.

Ok, now put the last two paragraphs together. I'll wait.

That's right. The group that supposedly supports what is inherently endowed to each person is saying that a grown dude fucking an underage boy is a perfectly viable lifestyle. Fucking an underage girl is wrong (see Timmy's post on cheerleaders here) but ripping an underage boy's asshole is okay.

It was Bill O'Reilly that brought this to my attention, I admit. However, here is something for you to read, the ACLU official website: ACLU

They say they aren't advocating relationships between men and boys but there are two problems with that:

1. The group's name is the North American MAN-BOY LOVE Association.
2. The group's self stated mission statement.

And they ask you on their first page to become a supporting member (both ACLU and NAMBLA)!

I can't put any other two words together to make a better argument. Oh wait...yes I can:

FRICKIN IDIOTS

They must really love me!

2005-10-10T18:32:00.000-07:00

Greetings, angry bastards. As my first post, I choose to reprise an old one. Mickey O'neill wrote "EVITE The GREATEST NEW THING" on April 28th of this year. Refer back to this post. I concur.

I just received an e-mail that was an accidental repeat of previous one from a friend. It was an invitation to a party. It included the date, time, place, theme, and -thanks to the miracle of e-mail- the capability to RSVP. The accidental re-sending of this e-mail isn't what bothers me. These things happen. It is the reason this person sent the e-mail again that annoys me. He sent another e-mail to explain that all the original recipients were included in what was supposed to be an e-mail to his wife, so that she would have the guest list in order to send us all an EVITE!!!!! Yipppiiiiieeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

These people must really like me. I've now had three invites to their party. Wait a minute...three invites doesn't make me think of affection. It actually just smacks of desperation. Not only did I receive the accidental repeat invitation, I now know that I will soon receive an Evite with all the same information with the added request for an RSVP. If you wanted an RSVP, then just ask for it in the original e-mail. I like these people very much (they're not really desperate or annoying), and I have every intention of attending their party, but I'm with Mickey. Evites are fucking annoying as fucking fuck!

No Chicken Sex, No Problem

2005-10-09T16:13:00.000-07:00

HOLY CRAP! Everyone, quickly, to the doctor's office! Get your flu shot, or we're all going to DIE! The chickens are releasing a horrible pandemic upon the human race. 1.9 million Americans are slated for death! That's a full 0.6% of the U.S. population! That means for every 10 people someone loses a finger!

If you haven't heard, the Avian Flu is a-comin! If you listen to the media interested in keeping the population entrenched in a state of panic, this is what's going to happen. Hell, even the ol' boys up at the White House are putting together an attack plan to save the hospitals from being overrun. So, what kind of world issue is this? How many scores of millions of people has this thing laid waste to around the world? The answer: 50.

No, not 1,000,000,000 (that's 50 x 20 (a score) x 1,000,000) people. 50 whole people. The world population now stands at 6.47 billion. That's 0.8 x 10e-7 percent of the world. I think dehydration from over-ejaculation has killed more people than the bird flu. Ya wanna know why it's only killed 50 people?

Because it only transmits directly from chickens and because it only latches on to those with the immune system equivalent of Screech. So, as long as you keep your Wee Willie Wacker out of anything with feathers AND consume nothing but Once a Day vitamins and beer...you should be fine. Even if your friend can't keep Mister Fun Fun out of Foghorn Leghorn, he can't give the flu to you because it only kills the person it's in already.

So with every fiber in my being (between the Vitamin overdose and unnatural love of Frosted Shredded Wheat cereal, that's a lot of frickin fiber), I say to the medias, governments and other retards around the globe, "For the love of Monkey Jesus, please please please find something that is actually a threat to us before trying to scare us. Between Mad Cow Disease, Global Warming and Serial Killers, we (your audience) are eventually going to equate you to the Boy Who Cried Wolf."

He's bad. No, he isn't. Yes, he is. No, he isn't. Yes, he is. No, he isn't. Yes, he is. Fine.

2005-10-05T20:08:00.000-07:00

Because I am conservative, many a folk assume I am Republican. This is not necessarily so. I do agree more with the Republican side (the REAL Republican side, not this new Compassionate Conservative crap that is so popular) mainly because the Liberal/Democrat side is at best unrealistic. So, I don’t want this next comment misconstrued. Leave DeLay alone.

I’m willing to accept that he might be some reprehensible, morally corrupt weasel in a suit. And you can argue all day that the accusations brought against him are valid in a moral way, or even legally accusable now-a-days (his actions weren’t illegal when he did them…neither was the torture of the Inquisition, at the time). You can say that he is a symbol of everything wrong with world, but here’s the deal: It took a FOURTH grand jury to be willing to entertain Earle’s accusations.

Reread that last part…THREE full juries said that Earle is full of shit!

And he still is insisting that a trial go forth…and the media is loving every minute of it.

But, he’s a horrible Republican. He needs to be brought down. That may be. As I said, I am willing to accept that. However, let’s try this for instance:

You have been living your life and doing things that are slightly suspect but not necessarily illegal. (For you Woody Harleson fans, growing dope. For everyone else, making sweet love to a fresh new 17 year old (Texas only, refer to your state’s bylaws for appropriate cradle robbing ages) I think that it’s bad (this is where my example breaks down, but only on the non-smoking hemp) so I take you to court. The court says, officially you can bang all the 17 year olds you want. But that’s no good enough for me, so I take you to court again. Again, they say, Sorry…it’s legal, barely, but legal none-the-less. Still, I am not put off and I take you to court again. And for a third time, they say no. I try again.

At what point does this become ridiculous? Unfortunately, because the trial has not gone through this does not fall under the Fifth Amendment (another side note: every person needs to read the entire Bill of Rights. Don’t let them tell you that the First Amendment separates Church and state, cause it don’t actually say that.), but this Earle bastard just has a hard-on for bringing down DeLay. (Let’s not even mention that he’s doing this after ‘careful contemplation of the Bible, deal with that Liberals.)

75 people have said you are barkin up the wrong tree. So, just fuck off Earle.

I was science before science was really Dorky

2005-10-04T12:59:00.000-07:00

Scientists as a whole have never been considered the definition of cool. The traditional image of the scientist has always been a pale, bespectacled man working away his life on complicated things that in the long run really don't matter. Truth be telt, this is not far from the truth. Oh there have been exceptions, Einstein and Feynman mainly, who were both interesting and brilliant. But for every Feynman doing calculations in a genlteman's club or playing bongos, there are 100 dorks who are in a lab 20 hours a day solving nature's most inane mysteries. As a man of "science," I have tried to overcome this image. I am an astronomer which, because of our pretty pictures and readily accessible subject matter, are more or less accepted by the rest of society as "normal" human beings. This week that well earned reputation suffered a mortal wound inflicted by a heartbreakingly dorky group at CIT. They found a new planet candidate way out on the edge of the solar system. Its bigger than the Pluto, and it also has a moon.

Wow, that's awesome! Way to go guys!

NO, do not encourage them. Yes they did a good job, but the name they have given their discovery is INEXCUSABLE. They are naming the large planet candidate "Xena" and the small moon "Gabrielle."

Okay, So what?

Well, for the less dorky of us out there this is the very same Xena and Gabrielle from the very popular (if you are a lesbian or lord among Dorks) sydicated TV series Xena: Warrior Princess. And their choice was a conscious one, to pay homage to their favorite bull-dyke ass kicker and regular dyke sidekick. 3000 years of sensible and elegant naming convention from the Greek gods to Shakespeare's ladies rendered a joke by a few nerds with a "sense of humor." Luckily, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) has final say on this matter, and hopefully they will have more sense. I personally would suggest anything else. Surely the well of literary and scientific references has not run dry. How about George and Lenny, or Amundsen and Scott, Pancho and Lefty, anything! I wouldn't even mind corporate sponsored naming (a la Chuck Palahniuk) as long as they paid heavily for it. The Microsoft Galaxy is not so bad, and I think the public could more closely relate to sell outs than to hopeless nerds.

I suppose it could be worse, Britney and Kevin comes to mind...

[BAMF]

Is Shitface McJerkoff taken yet?

2005-10-04T06:42:00.000-07:00

I guess I've always known it, but celebrities are frickin idiots.

For example, they whine about global warming while driving stretch limo-Explorers and flying twelve whole people in a private jet that uses more fuel in a single trip than I'll use in a year. Or perhaps, thinking that somehow, because they're rich, their opinion on just about anything is more valid and needs to be forced on the unwilling public ad nauseum. Or even, gettin it on with as many hot women as possible (not so bad) and then complaining about fist-sized bleeding pustules on their pinky-sized wang. (very, very bad)

But these things are all common knowledge (except the fist-sized bleeding pustules thing...spread the word, not the pustules), so why comment on it now? Because I've just been reminded how out of touch with reality these wierdos are. What cataclysmic event brought my return to celeb loathing, you ask? Kal-el.

"What? Superman's birth name inspires hatred towards the half rich/half retarded? But Superman has only done good and cocaine." Tis true, fair reader. But Nicolas Cage has tarnished the once proud hero. He named his kid, an innocent new individual, Kal-el.

Why is it that these people have to ruin lives before they've begun? This gaggle of one brain-celled idiots love destroying things. I think I've gone stupid thinking about their stupidity. Here's a list that will deaden your brain as well:

Casey Affleck/Summer Phoenix: Indiana and August (boys)
Clyde Klotz/Gillian Anderson: Piper Maru (girl)
Kenny Anderson/Tami: Lyric Chanel and Kenni Lauren (girl)
Mark Phillips/Princess Anne: Zara (girl)
Alec Baldwin/Kim Basinger: Ireland (girl)
Peter Cook/Christina Brinkley: Sailor Lee (girl)
Alice Cooper/Sheryl: Dashiell (boy), Sonora Rose (girl) and Calico Dashiell (girl)
David Arquette/Courtney Cox: Coco Riley (girl)
Johnny Depp/Vanessa Paradis: Lily-Rose Melody (girl)
Tyler England/Shanna: Aspen Haley (girl)
Andre Previn/Mia Farrow: Soon-Yi, Lark Song and Summer Song (girls)
Woody Allen/Mia Farrow: Satchel, Moses and Amadeus (boys)
Bob Geldof/Paula Yates: Fifi-Trixibelle, Peaches and Pixie (girls)
Michael Hutchence/Paula Yates: Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily (girl)
Jimmy Gulzar/Melanie Gulzar: Phoenix Chi (girl)
Lance Henrikson/Jane Pollack: Alchamy (girl)
Simon LeBon/Yasmine: Amber Rose, Saffron Sahara and Tallulah Pine (girls)
Spike Lee/Tonya Linette Lewis: Satchel (girl)
Chris Martin/Gwyneth Paltrow: Apple (girl)
Chris Rock: Zahra Savannah (girl)
Slash/Perla Hudson: Cash Anthony and London Emilio (boys)
Frank Zappa: Dweezil (boy), Ahmet Rodan (boy), Moon Unit (girl) and Diva (girl)
Note: Not every child a couple has is listed here. Only the ones that are testaments to their parents zeal to prove huffing a safe recreation.

Strange Days

2005-09-30T15:37:00.000-07:00

House majority whip Tom Delay is indicted on clearly well defined charges stemming from campaign finance infractions, and he goes on to blame it on partisan politics. Even though he was indicted by a Grand Jury i.e. Texas citizens not other politicans. Also, the Travis county lawyer (a democrat) has also brought charges against several other politicians the majority of which are democrats. The Senate majority leader Bill First did some very shady stock trading that is being investigated for insider trading violations. Have all the republicans lost their minds? Where have you gone Abe Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt?

The former secretary of education William Bennett said on his radio show, "If you wanted to reduce crime, you could -- if that were your sole purpose -- you could abort every black baby in this country and your crime rate would go down." Now I am not a rascist, and I usually think racism is hilarious, but this.... wow. Rarely has my jaw ever gone slack from pure shock, but my tonsils where dangling in the wind when I heard that. The fact he was once responsible for this country's education...[insert continued stuttering disbelief here]

[BAMF]

Paging Dr. Evil ... your sharks have arrived

2005-09-26T09:32:00.000-07:00

Picture this...
A beautiful summer sunset over the gulf (bright red, dark blue). You are sitting on the beach, sand in your toes and a cold cerveza in your hand. People with their children are frolicking about in the water and hottie hot hot hot hot babes are both playing volleyball and rubbing your leg (from an old football injury). Light music...everything is just perfect.

Until...
Suddenly, the people frolicking begin screaming and running for the shore. The red isn't just in the sky anymore. The wonderful ladies (respected for their good company and minds, of course) flee, bouncing dangerously to and fro (remember this is bad because they are no longer at your side). You begin to hear the cries of 'Shark' and 'My ass is exit only'. Everyone panics. Soon there's no one in the water excepted the bloody remnants of what used to be happy swimmers.

Upon closer examination, it is discovered that these people weren't viscously torn apart by a Great White, but they were shot to death by the very people that are supposed to protect us...the Navy Seal trained, fully armed killer DOLPHINS.

No, my dear reader, I have not gone crazy. Nor am I shamelessly ripping off a Simpson's episode. There are killer, frickin, dolphins loose in the Gulf. It seems that Katrina's most deadly effect may be the unleashing of an underwater task force of Flippers that has been trained to kill people. Still doubting my sanity, check here. May God have mercy on us all...

Make America Stronger: One Backpack at a Time

2005-09-22T06:27:00.000-07:00

My Colleagues,
I had a vision of clarity this morning. Perhaps, the result of selling my soul to caffeine suppliers morning after morning, but an idea that must be implemented right away is transpired. Allow me to guide you through thirty minutes of my morning:

8:03 a.m. (Inner dialogue appears italicized in my head. Thus you, my reader, may enjoy it.) Look at them…I’d like to congratulate the girls for playing hooky from their 8 a.m. education. No. Wait. What’s that? The last time I saw a twenty-dollar bill, I had a strange rash on my hands for three weeks. That twenty is really crisp and is being spent on slurpees and donuts. I’m not upset at the money, but shouldn’t they be buying cigarettes? I’m not upset at the money. The girls haphazardly throw their prada backpacks and rhinestone cell-phones to the floor to pay the 7-11 attendant. How do they balance on tiptoe despite the remaining weight of glitter and makeup? Can the little one even see over the counter?

8:06 a.m. The speed limit is 20. I am driving behind a Mom-I'd-like-to-Skull-Fuck. The speedometer reads negative infinity miles an hour. A portly crossing guard jumps into the street and waits for a flock of tardy children halfway down the block. My revelations begin. Hmmm…Marla, we might have something with that thought…

My dear colleagues, we taxpayers should petition for the abolition of school zone speed limits. I realize you, as reasoning people, will immediately see the benefits of such a proposition. For our readers who may not be as mentally apt, I have classified affected children into four types. Within the classification, one can find various, compelling details that support my proposition.

Type 1
These children are too stupid to know not to walk in front of large, fast moving objects. They would better serve society if they are not able to contribute to our gene pool at their high school prom. Think of their demise as an end to future Jerry Springer guests. Expect high concentrations of Type 1 deaths; there is plenty of stupid in our global community.

Type 2
This type includes children from parents busily chattering their lives away on cell phones. They will die off at a rate proportional to Kirstie Alley's thigh-expansion. Expect termination of Type 2 children to decrease criminal activity. Studies show children parented by reality TV shows become societal menaces if allowed to live beyond 8 years.

Type 3
Children of over privileged lifestyles. An example of Type 3 children could be seen at 7-11 this morning. It is scientifically proven that this environment of excess produces "it can't happen to me" syndrome. As a researcher, it is my belief that this syndrome contributes to vast drains on tax dollars. People with ICHTM syndrome are likely to not move out of a city below sea level. If their numbers are limited from age 5, time will allow eventual eradication of this disease. Children of this type will account for approximately 3% of deaths.

Type 4
This type of child is excels in physical weaknesses. It may be a child who outweighs grown adults and cannot dodge a quickly moving vehicle. Perhaps the child is an asthmatic wimp. Alternatively, this child-type could even be a klutz. In less than 10 years, you will be paying their health insurance and medical bills (if we are not already).

In conclusion:
Abolishment of speed zones will help taxpayers rid the environment of societal flaws. Now to action! Join the cause and head over to your nearest school zone. Do your part for improved natural selection.

Be sure to hit the pre-school on the way home.

No. Frickin. Crap.

2005-09-19T19:29:00.000-07:00

Death. Destruction. The complete annihilation of a city. Of course, I am talking about the after-effects of the new Nintendo controller...wait...I mean Hurricane Kame-and-Flushed-Your-Ass-Trina.

First off, Mayor Nagin (read: largest possible douche that can exist in a closed system) didn't save his own people. But, it was Bush. Bush is to blame for this and everything else. One day, I'm gonna find this Mr. Italics and whoop his ass. And, no, this lays firmly on old Mayor Retard's head. He didn't mobilize everything in his power to save his people, his DIRECT constituents, and left them to die. To his credit, he did tell them ahead of time that if the forces of nature decided to rape his city, his beloved citymen were on their own. But, then again, he does have a house in Dallas and moved his family out at the first sign of trouble.

Second, in some stupid attempt to show how awesome he is, he demanded that people ignore the advice of the head of FEMA and the President of the United States to move back into New Orleans today. Nevermind that the water is only slightly more nauseating than this lady and that the only mode of transportation is body boarding (think...wait for it...wait for it...oh, oh yeah...body boarding), he just wants to show that his people are superhuman.

Let's assume that this is normal. Let's assume that this isn't the dumbest plan since going with "It depends what your definition of 'is' is." These other things are acceptable somehow. At least, Nagin has realized that Tropical Storm Rita has the potential of DPing New Orleans in only the scale that two clones of John Holmes could have achieved. With this knowledge, he has decided that people coming back is probably bad. In fact, he has reordered those that returned to flee. All of a sudden he wants to "err on the side of conservatism" and "make sure we have everyone out." This guy is a frickin idiot. You mean putting people into a city below sea level, that is swamped with water and feces, that has no real safe housing, sits on the coast AND has just entered 'hurricane Season' is bad...[insert title here]...

Unbridled Happiness

2005-09-18T14:00:00.000-07:00

Today is opposite day, and I decided to write about something that makes me happy beyond words. A Canadian company has developed a device that is basically a hydrogen carburetor, that puts hydrogen into the gasoline-air mixture that burns in a combustion engine. This results in a cleaner burn.

What does that mean to me?

Well Skippy, a cleaner burn (~97% efficent) means 10-40% better fuel economy, less engine wear, and this is the part that makes my pants tight almost ZERO POLLUTION!

You might be thinking, Canada? No Emissions? Hotdogs?

Yes, it seems too good to be true, but the product has undergone independent testing and the claims were substantiated. For those of you with science fetishes the device works like this:

"...the H2N-Gen contains a small reservoir of distilled water and other chemicals such as potassium hydroxide. A current is run from the car battery through the liquid. This process of electrolysis creates hydrogen and oxygen gases which are then fed into the engine's intake manifold where they mix with the gasoline vapours."

No that is not a roll of quarters in my pocket.

Since the hydrogen is produced in situ there is not that whole problem with storing the hydrogen under pressure.

And those of you with money fetishes, think about this, there are more than one billion combustion engines on earth. These things go for about $7500 a pop. If you do the math that equals like 40-teen raised to the elevenedteen zillion dollars. But, this guy who started the company expects to make more money through this thing called the Kyoto Protocol, I don't know must me a Canada thing. Never the less, pretty good for a guy who started out managing McDonalds and Burger Kings.

The product is expected to become comercially available in about 6 months.

For a more indepth story click HERE.

Don't Forget the Reps.

2005-09-15T12:14:00.000-07:00

Mr. Bateman has established the fact that senators are in fact dumb, with an intelligence slightly greater than pond scum (but slightly less morals). I now present evidence that all of Congress is in fact populated by mongoloids.

The design of the memorial to the victims of Flight 93 has been approved on the lowest levels. If you do not recall, Flight 93 was the airplane that was destined for the the U.S. Capitol on September 11, 2001. It did not reach its target, primarily due to the 33 passengers trying to subdue the hijackers. The design is a huge arch of maple trees dubbed "Crescent of Embrace" that circles the site of the crash in rural Pennsylvania. For a lovely artist's rendition go here .

In my humble opinion it is a beautiful design that honors the memory of the passengers.

Now, here come da stoopid...

Rep. Tom Tancredo (Colorado-Repooblican) objects to the design and will probably actively try to have it changed when it comes before Congress.
Whats this jackass got against maple trees? You might ask. It turns out he and "many" others think the design looks too much like the red crescent moon, a symbol representing the Islamic faith. Apparently by this man's astounding logic, that would make the monument to the hijackers. WTF!?

The family members of the flight passengers and the park service say the memorial's shape, a circle broken by the flight pattern of the plane, simply follows the topography of the crash site.

How do people like this get elected?

This is the same guy who said that the U.S. should "take out" holy Islamic sites if terrorists attacked with nuclear bombs.

God I'm depressed.

[BAMF]
quotes taken from AP

Our Senators are Idiots

2005-09-15T08:53:00.000-07:00

Just in case, after everything I've been telling you, you still think that the Senate is filled with ok, ethical, educated people (you couldn't possibly think that I'm wrong, you're just a impossible optimist), here's some really awesome excerpts from the Roberts confirmation hearing:

Sen. Dianne Feinstein on Roberts: "My impression today is that you are a very cautious, very precise man ... and that concerns me more." Mr. Bateman says: Cautious are precise are bad things?

Concerned about his job, Sen. Edward Kennedy wanted to be sure that under Roberts Congress would retain the power to pass legislation banning racial, gender and disability discrimination. Mr. Bateman says: What?! Congress passes legislation? When the feck did that happen? Idiot.

Sen. Joseph Biden on Roberts inability to answer questions: "Without any knowledge of your understanding of the law, because you will not share it with us, we are rolling the dice with you, judge." Mr. Bateman says: Did I miss something...since when do we not know where Roberts went to Law school (Harvard Law) and where he has been spent his law career (14 years in private practice as a lawyer, two years as a judge of the US Court of Appeals for DC)? Why ask when a little research will answer all?

Sen Charles Schumer on the same topic: "You'll answer only as many questions as necessary to get confirmed. It's not the right thing to do." Mr. Bateman says: Should he have made up a list of his own questions? Besides jeopardizing his future as judge by asking him questions that would negate his objectivity isn't really fair, is it?

And from the realm of retardicity:
Planned Parenthood announced that it will oppose the nomination of Roberts he was "unfit to occupy the most important position on the court." Mr. Bateman says: It's nice to hear a senator that throws caution into the wind and speaks his mind on Roberts and is showing early on how he intends to vote...oh wait.

So they are all a bunch of idiots. But, because I am an equal opportunity lender (member FDIC), here's a ludacris statement from Roberts: "Yes, I was in an administration that was opposed to quotas. Opposition to quotas is not the same thing as opposition to affirmative action." Mr. Bateman says: Then what exactly is the purpose of affirmative action if not to fill quotas and push whitey out on the street?

People are idiots.
Allquoted and some not quoted information is taken from various newspapers and websites. If you want to find out which one, then learn to use the frickin internet.

3 year olds or Democrat Senators? You be the judge

2005-09-14T07:12:00.000-07:00

There are times when running, hiding and screaming that you want your mommy is fine. When you are three, anytime you get your wang caught in your happy place gatekeeper and whenever Mr. Brazi's zombie apocolypse ever occurs. All valid times to revert. (Specially that second one...I'd take 10 zombie apocolypses (apocolypi?) before I'd tango with old Metal Teeth again.) However, if you look carefully at my list, nowhere will you find "while in an elected office."

Back many moons ago, when things were not going so pleasantly for the old Dems here in Texas, they ran away to America. At first I was really happy, but then I realized that they were forcing the Texas legislature into a standstill that screwed over many a folk. Then, I was less happy.

Back not so many moons ago, they did it again. Only to a semi-respectable place like Oklahoma. That's twice. Again, the roller coaster of emotion. I guess the old picket-line, dope-smokin, no-showerin heart of these neo-pussies beats on.

Now...and I mean right this very frickin instant, the Democrats have done it again. Only this time it's in the arena of the United States. They apparently, as a whole and without exception, are deciding to not appear at Judge Roberts' confirmation hearing.

Maybe they are thinking that this will send a powerful message that 'even though we can't stop him, we can still assert our agenda.' But, what's coming across is 'I'm not a bleeding heart, I'm a bleeding vagina.' You guys are a bunch of frickin idiots...

Now, they've done it. I'm so angry I lost my train of thought. Damn it I hate hippies.

Send in... the Zombies

2005-09-10T20:52:00.000-07:00

Those wonderful silly Zombies.

Yes friends I, for one, cannot wait for the ensuing zombie apocalypse. Yes indeed these are the end times, and I am all a-twitter with anticipation. I thought for sure the rare mixture of corpses, stagnant water, and voodoo brought on by Hurricane Katrina would set everything into motion. Alas, it was not meant to be. Don't get me wrong I am for the most part relieved, but a very small part of me would really welcome the rising of the dead. Why on Earth would you want that you might say? Well, think about how awesome it would be to have carte blanche for smacking the bejesus out of zombies! Every time you ever had road rage, wanted to brain some fool for talking during the a movie, got something thrown at you while on your bicycle by a car of stupid beetches, whatever... the zombie apocalypse would be a consequence free opportunity to free yourself of all that pent up anger. I already have my perferred weapons picked out, a mace and a gladius (because a katana would get stuck in zombie bodies). So, yes I know I am a horrible person, and you know what... suck it. If you thought about it you too would embrace the glory of zombie destruction.

[BAMF]

Hurricane Katrina-Apparently We Don't Give a Fuck

2005-09-08T19:49:00.000-07:00

Digestion is an interesting feature of our person. It took me a little while to get through the classic stages of grief. My feelings went from disbelief, to anger, and to more anger. Rest assured my sullen colleagues, I’m about to get to my point. Even I cannot tarry in the vein of touchy-feely, “let’s hug each other” politics for long. Remember kids: down the road, not across the street.

Remember the Tsunami? Yep. You probably dropped a check in the mail, said some prayers, and sent some pampers. Hell, maybe you smoked out and attended a candle-lit vigil. Whatever the case, there was an out-pouring of relief from the across the world. Tell us Marla, just how much did we care? People helped the Red Cross care about 1.2 billion dollars worth. True, this is no where near the net sum of Bill Gates’ dead body, but it is a hell of a lot of life preservers. If you are still not able to comprehend 1.2 billion dollars, go suck antifreeze out of a hooker’s anus using only a coffee straw.

At this point in the story, you might be thinking to yourself: So what Marla? We live in a privileged country, Marla. Hell, you even said people should have gotten the fuck out of there.

Yes, yes, and yes. Yes, I still think that the people shooting at our service men and looting televisions and guns are among the most deplorable human waste on the planet. Idiots aside, a major metropolis in our country was decimated. Goodbye. Gone.

Picture this: a big bomb is dropped on New Orleans. Same damn effect. It’s hell on earth. People have nothing to eat or drink. They do not even know where their family members are or if they are alive. Everything that they were ceased to exist. The only difference between a storm (for which they could be evacuated) and a bomb is that this, they survived. Refugees are pouring into my state. What the fuck. 21^st century, American refugees.

Get the fuck off your lazy, Little Debbie-munching ass and at least buy some pampers. Maybe we can raise half of what have in the past for our own citizens. If you live in the DFW area and want to help out, go here.

Perspective

2005-09-08T16:06:00.000-07:00

The war in Iraq has polarized our society a great deal. There are those of us who think the war is wrong, and we have no business there. There are others that say it was a necessity and for the protection of the American people. Neither side is entirely right or wrong. In many respects this is a very ambiguous war, unlike the Civil War or WWII. This fact is not helped by media coverage, which in my opinion is extremely... lacking. Whatever you may think about the war, you should read this it will let you sleep better at night.

Shhh, I am trying to watch a movie...

2005-09-08T09:16:00.000-07:00

I consider myself a serious fan of the cinema. I enjoy movies a great deal, and I especially enjoy the experience of seeing a movie in the theater. Only in a dark, chilly room with a huge screen is one able to truly suspend belief and enjoy a movie to its fullest. Another necessity for movie enjoyment is silence from the audience. Silence in a movie theater used to be a common courtesy. However, courtesy has gone the way of cheap gas and a good economy, it just isn't around anymore. So you can imagine how upset I might be when I have to share the movie theater with... well, anyone. There are several different kinds of movie talker:

1.) The John Madden - This person feels the need to comment on every happening that goes on in the movie and not only is this annoying it is usually not even that informative.

2.) The Director - This person feels the need to instruct the actors on screen as to what they should do, i.e. "Don't go in there!" or "Don't just look at it Christy, Eat it."

3.) The Comedian- This person is my favorite. He has aspirations to write comedic movies, but in the mean time he likes to interject with his own little witticisms or inserts lines he thinks are funny.

4.) The Just Plain Rude- This is a person who apparently decided they really didn't want to see the movie, they just wanted a nice dark place to have a conversation. And that conversation is more important than my desire to enjoy a movie I paid good money for. Burn you bastard, burn.

I recently went to the movie theater and spent the whole time I was there seething with hatred for the assholes who just could not keep their goddamn mouths shut for an hour and a half! I just wanted to get up about 1 inch from their face and scream at the top of my lungs:

"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! SHUT YOUR GODDAMN STUPID MOUTH NO ONE GIVES A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK DIE AND ROT YOU FUCK ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!"

But I didn't, because I am too civil for my own good. Someday, probably sooner than later, I will become the Incredible Hulk, and all of you will rue the day... oh yes you will...

[BAMF]

This man is frickin awesome

2005-09-08T07:57:00.000-07:00

Okay, so Californians are only slightly less wacky than that guy in the question marks suit. They've voted an actor to governor twice now. One became president and the other is the terminator (I'll leave it up to you to figure out which is which). But it looks like they've made a good choice with old Arnold.

A few days ago the California legislative body pushed through a bill that would legalize gay marriage. This is the second time it was introduced by Assemblyman Mark Leno finally cleared both houses and goes to the Terminator soon. And everyone is expecting Arnold to veto it. And I cried, "Hell. Frickin. Yes."

Mr. Bateman, why are you so homophobic? That has nothing to do with it you illiterate moron. But, gay rights. Okay...any idiots that agree with Mr. Italics let me point out one simple thing. The people of California already said they don't want this. They voted Proposition 22 down. Mr. Arnold would be going with what the people want not what the politicians think would be good press. Gay rights aside (marriage is not a right anyway, for anyone) he is standing up for the people of his state. And that is frickin awesome.

Check here if you are still too stupid to get it.

It's okay to be happy once in a while

2005-09-07T08:43:00.000-07:00

Halleluiah...or however you spell it.

For many moons, I have wondered why an organization based on a failed idea by President Woodrow Wilson (old double dubya, as I call him) with sooooooo many obvious flaws has been touted by hippies and lefties as a good thing. If you think Bush is slow to respond, then by all rights you should have a coniption fit worse than when Timmy was forced next to Helen Hunt's vagina with the United Nations. This collective group of retards only works retroactively and often poorly even then. But there's hope!

After an investigation into the Oil for Food program, it's been determined that "the United Nations must be extensively overhauled if it is to earn global credibility and meet its 21st-century obligations." No. Crap.

Unfortunately, the council won't put any strenuous measures on the UN and nothing will probably change. But, it is nice to know that once in a while things go my way.

Check it out for yourself here.

Tofu-Munching Twerps

2005-09-04T10:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Flower Children of the 21st century,

I rode my bicycle this morning (gas companies, suck it). Along the way, I managed to obey every single traffic law and get to my destination in a timely fashion. I am proud of the hippies who are acting on their beliefs (it is a pleasant change from the barage of aromatic essences of the protesters on the corner). They are exercising their twinkie-induced cellulite and saving the environment. All in one go!

But ye olde hippies beware. Replacing your protein with pot smoke may make it less easy to obey traffic laws. If I see you run a stop sign while toting a "share the road" sarong, I will send Bubba the Trucker your way.

Peace, love, and a shotgun up your run-over, anal orifice,
M

Hey hippies, SHUT UP

2005-09-02T09:53:00.000-07:00

All right, I am frickin tired of some left-wing nut job complaining about President Bush's vacations. Yes, he has taken some 250 days (of 1700 in office) away from the White House to spend at Crawford, but here's some things to think about:

First off, anyone that doesn't try as hard as possible to get south of the Mason-Dixon line is just plain nuts.
Taking one week off at McDonald's is directly equal to the President's vacation time. His hardest decisions are sending troops into harm's way and which route to take to avoid being assassinated. Your hardest decision: whether you can beat Jose's breath-holding record in the fry oil.
You have one office asshole. He has war crimes offenders, vindictive underlings and thousands of idiots that would love to blow-up his house.

Now, if you still think that he's completely out of line, think about this.

Your U.S. senator gets paid at least $160,000 a year while working 99 days. That means they worked 27% of the year (or from January 1 to April 9 while taking off the rest of the year) and got paid $1616.16 per day. If you assume they worked eight hour days (which isn't the case as a "morning" session starts anywhere from 11:00-1:00), that equals $202 per hour. All of this without the nation ever getting on your back and blaming you for the decisions you make.

But does anyone ever say "Mr. Senator how can you take a vacation when everything thing is falling down around your feet?" NO. Cause you're all frickin sheep. And these fuckers do really sneaky shit like tackin on riders to bills. The reps for Alaska got $223 million to bulid a bridge to the Alaskan island of Gravina, population: 50. This will probably slide because it's attached to a massive transportation bill that will set the standard and funding for our nation's highways through 2009.

So, shut the fuck up. You bitch cause your friends bitch, your friends bitch cause one day after too much pot, thought that Nancy Pelosi made sense. Even worse, they're family was liberal so they're liberal. This reason is why hippies identify so well with'em. Laziness. Fuckin. Lazy.

Apparently it's 1964

2005-09-01T21:42:00.000-07:00

For the sake of my angry post, let me first start by laying some things on the table: I am in no way at ALL prejudice nor do I discriminate against people because of race or sex or sexual orientation or whatever.

Having said that:

Regarding New Orleans, do you KNOW what they are saying now?? That the people who are stranded there are "only" black people... that all the "white" people were able to escape the city... that it's only the poor jobless, carless, below poverty line "black" people who are suffering through this... that the busses are only taking "white" people. Are you fucking kidding me? This is not 1964 people... Will our country ever not discriminate?? A war happens and they compare it to Vietnam..... the ecomony is bad and they compare it to the Depression era... a disaster happens in a predominantly black area and they compare it to times of segregation and slavery... 41 years later and we can't move past that?

May I remind them: the hurricane was a NATURAL DISASTER. It's not like someone "steered" the damn thing right towards all the "black people" living there.

And did New Orleans not provide well paying jobs for anyone? Did car dealers choose not to sell cars to any of those people? I mean, maybe New Orleans had a fantastic bus and city transit system so no one needed a car. SUPER. Where are the busses now?? And now people are running barbaric and crazy through deseased-filled waters raping women and stealing and hijacking? Where is the sanity and control? Where is the national guard? A friend of mine has a friend who works for a volunteer fire department who went there to help rescue people and said they were saying things to him and his fellow rescue team like "get away from me" "don't touch me" "leave me alone". What now, you want to stay there and die and not be rescued???

I deeply feel for all the people going through what they are going through and I sure hope aid comes to them quickly. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Hell, I might even donate something.

But why do those people live in a city below sea level surrounded by water with no insurance anyway??? Ok maybe that is not a valid argument, but still.

Also, catching gas stations on price gouging will not solve the problems states like Georgia, Mississippi, Florida, etc are having where they have said there are gas SHORTAGES.

Angryness is now gone.. yessssssssssssss.......

Park and Walk

2005-09-01T09:05:00.000-07:00

I am going to rant today on a more superficial subject than of late, so forgive me. However, I am surprised more assaults and murders do not happen in grocery/department store parking lots. I am surprised because I, a gentle soul by nature, am compelled to commit no less than three atrocities against my fellow man every time I drive into one. So I can only imagine how my colleagues Mr. Bateman or Mr. Bickle handle the situation, the raging angermongers that they are. What is it exactly that makes people become dumb loathsome brutes when they are parking their cars? Here is a list of infractions:

Stopping in front of the store doors to let someone out.

Seems nice right? For the lazy sack of crap you are letting out it is real nice, but what about the 10 cars behind you? Should they be made to wait so your passenger can cut 5 minutes and 25 yards walking from their oh so busy day?

Waiting for parking space.

This too seems fairly innocuous, but can be abused. If you have to wait more than 30 seconds you should move on, because you are blocking the rest of us. Is it really going to hurt you to walk a little further. No its not, and most of you troglodytes could REALLY use the walk. I am looking at you fatty. OH and if I see that you are using the little electric shopping scooter because it is too strenuous to walk around picking which little debbie snacks you are going to buy in bulk, I am going to punch you in the throat. That is if I can find it amongst the acres of flesh you call a head. However, that deserves another post entirely. Lets just say this in closing, please be a little more considerate of your fellow car parker because if you aren't he may shove a tire iron through your face.

[BAMF]

More Gas Pains (Timmy would be proud.)

2005-09-01T08:43:00.000-07:00

I paid $3.09 this morning-it was $2.80 less than twelve hours ago. Thirty cents in twelve hours (and sixty in some cities). What I'd really like to do to these cum-funneling ass pimples responsible for the inane hike?

I would use dull, rusted razor blades to scrape off the skins of these people. In the kitchen, I'd crispy fry the piles of dermis in hot peanut oil, and munch happily on the crunchy cutises of the fuckers.

As an after dinner treat, I'd sprinkle salt on muscles. Commence with the evening's entertainment!

So, grotesqueness aside, our country needs to build more rail systems now!

Attitude Problems

2005-08-31T14:51:00.000-07:00

People who have an "it'll never happen to me" attitude irritate the crap out of me. The thing about Hurricanes (vs. tornadoes) is you actually have a warning it's coming. And not just any warning, but a couple days warning. Kudos to the people who actually listen to the weather channel and pack up their shit and leave their material possessions behind. That's courage MF'rs! Because you may have nothing to come back to, but at least you'll have your family. And if you have old Grannies or Grandpas that can't move easy enough to pack up their shit and leave, go pick them up in your giant SUV's and take them with you. None of this "it won't hit us" bullshit, or "it won't do any damage" or "I'm not leaving MY HOUSE" craziness. LEAVE. And save you and your families life. The death toll for the Hurricane is now over 120 people with 78,000 in shelters! Unbelievable. Why would you stay and try to wait it out? Especially the people in New Orleans... your city is ALREADY BELOW SEA LEVEL!!

Althought I do suppose soaring gas prices would prevent some people from travling long distances to evacuate. And like.... where the hell are they going to go, I guess...... *SIGH*

Because the Germans are Completely Blameless Throughout History

2005-08-31T07:02:00.000-07:00

No words...so stupid...so angry...
asd;flkasj;dfjp wepfaasfdlonk!!!!

Stupid Frickin Germans....

Just Goes To Show

2005-08-31T06:38:00.000-07:00

So this lady decides to hang out in front of Bush's house.

Originally, she said it's because she wanted to know why her son died, i.e. an explanation for the conflict over there. Everyone behind the President said she was just trying to get on the front page and accused her of besmudging her son's sacrifice. People behind her said that Bush just wanted a war (for whatever reason, job security, oil, pictures of Sadam in his underpants...) and kept mentioning that just five minutes of talk time would have made this lady go away.

However, there is a new development in this little media war. This lady recently said "I look back on it, and I am very, very, very grateful he did not meet with me, because we have sparked and galvanized the peace movement. If he'd met with me, then I would have gone home, and it would have ended there."

What happened to her anger? What happened to the concern for her son? And now that's she's grateful that Bush made the'right' decision to NOT meet with her, makes you wonder what other decisions he's made that might be right if people would just wait a little bit.

All Muslims Aren't Terrorists...right?

2005-08-26T08:54:00.000-07:00

On the 23rd of August, a conservative talk show host was fired. Some guy named Michael Graham who hosts The Michael Graham Show (according to no known source, this name took him twelve years to come up with the show's name) was fired from 630 WMAL in Washington.

OK, almighty Mr. Bateman, why was he fired, you ask?
He said, "Islam is a terrorist organization" some 23 times in an episode airedJuly 25.

But, most awesome of all men Herr Bateman, why should I care if an evil conservative gets fired, they're ruining the world anyway?
First, you are a dumb bastard (except for your devotion to me, which is completely justified). Second, you should care because his release was apparently caused by a protest put forth by the Muslim organization CAIR.

But, damn near godlike Signor Bateman, CAIR is a good thing. They promote a peaceful coexistence between Muslims and the rest of the world. Their resentment of this guy’s remarks is justified, because it is surely nothing but slander.
Here are some key points to consider as taken from Wikipedia:

CAIR was founded in 1994 by Nihad Awad, Omar Ahmad, and former members of the Islamic Association of Palestine. (An association founded by Mohammed Abu Marzook, a senior member of Hamas…it’s a known terrorist group, retard.)
Nihad Awad is on record as telling a group of Californian Muslims “Islam isn't in America to be equal to any other faith, but to become dominant. The Koran ... should be the highest authority in America, and Islam the only accepted religion on earth."
In 1994, at a meeting at Barry University, Nihad Awad said he was a "supporter of the Hamas movement."
Shortly after the 9/11 attacks, CAIR's website solicited donations for what it called the "NY/DC Emergency Relief Fund." However, clicking on the donation link led to a website for donations to the Holy Land Foundation for Relief and Development (HLF), a charity whose assets were later frozen by the Department of the Treasury because HLF "masquerade[d] as a charity, while its primary purpose [was] to fund Hamas."
Some Muslim organizations in the United States have also condemned CAIR.

Sheik Muhammad Hisham Kabbani of the Islamic Supreme Council of America (ISCA) denounced CAIR, saying: "There are many Muslim organizations that claim to speak on behalf of the Muslim community but that in reality are not moderate, but extremist."

Seif Ashmawy, an Egyptian Muslim and peace activist, who published the "Voice of Peace" newsletter about Muslim affairs, said: "It is a known fact that [CAIR has] defended, apologized for, and rationalized the actions of extremists groups ... The real challenge for moderates like myself is to prevent my Muslim brethren from [being] deceived by extremist groups that pretend to represent their interests."

Finally, many of CAIR’s highest members have been convicted on terrorist charges.

On December 18, 2002, Ghassan Elashi, a founding board member of CAIR-Texas and a co-founder of the Holy Land Foundation, was arrested by the FBI on charges of having ties with front groups that fund Islamic terrorism. In 2005, Elashi and two of his brothers were convicted on 21 counts of federal terrorism charges related to funding Hamas and the illegal export of electronics equipment to U.S. State Department-designated state sponsors of terrorism.

In August 2003, CAIR's civil-rights coordinator, Randall "Ismail" Royer, was arrested on charges of possessing "in his automobile an AK-47-style rifle and 219 rounds of ammunition" in September 2001, and conspiring to provide material support to al Qaeda and to the Taliban. He pleaded guilty and is serving 20 years in federal prison.

To put it all together for you, a working American was fired because a group that supports the kinds of activities that make his twenty-thrice said comment more true didn’t want him talking.

Just one last question, what does CAIR have to do with all Muslims being or not being terrorists?
While I am still trying desperately to believe that Islam is just as peaceful as other major world religions, it continuously gets harder when there is a noticeable lack of Muslims standing up, speaking out and fighting back. Even a public condemnation would go a long way. The only ones talking are the ones blowing Americans up, complaining about America or supporting one (or both) of the first two groups. They are not all terrorists, but the good ones aren’t doing enough to prove that Islam is not the terrorist breeding grounds that the bad ones are making it out to be.

Note: All quotes were taken from Wikipedia and all the citations are there for quotes by the Treasury and such. If you want to check it out for yourself here. Some of the points were taken directly from this site and I give them the credit...I'm too poor to be sued.

Dishonor Among Mothers

2005-08-18T10:21:00.000-07:00

I would like to dedicate my angry debut to my esteemed colleagues. May they find words for all that inspires their rage as I found mine.

She is one of many in the league of morons, a momentary celebrity for the exploitation of a son’s death. “Moms for Peace” welcomes Cindy Sheehan to their blubbering coven.

For those of you skunkweeds who do not keep up with the news, here follows an informative recap of the recent (and not so recent) events: In April of 2004 Sheehan lost her son, a young man from the Texan-based 1st Cavalry Division, to enemy rocket grenades in Baghdad. Not long after his death, Sheehan (amongst other families who lost loved ones) met and spoke with a sympathetic President Bush. Now, after 16 months of motherly silence, Sheehan and “Comrades in Candles” await presidential audience by the Texan president’s home.

For any of you who missed it (as, undoubtedly, it seems easy for Ms. Sheehan to overlook), Spc. Casey Sheehan was in the armed forces. These are people who are trained and employed to go to battle. Granted, the pay is not much. And aside from the health care plan and occasional commissary, the job benefits for a job risking loss of life are decidedly few. But soldiers do not fight for money. They fight, bound by honor and incredible strength of character, for human dignity. Liberty!

How can you undermine you son’s death Ms. Sheehan? How can you drag his cause through the Crawford mud? How would he feel if he could see his mother, the celebrity pawn? Instead of protesting the cause for which your son gave his life, perhaps you would best serve his memory by honoring his life work?

Admittedly, the war in Iraq has cost us the lives of nearly 2000 of our nation’s most noble youth since the advent of our second coalition in Iraq. That this is a high price is not refuted! However, these servicemen fight for a just cause. Do not forget that in the past weeks terrorists have claimed the lives of innocents: 56 in London, 88 in Egypt, and HUNDREDS in multiple Iraqi car bombings-the latest of which killed people on the way home from funerals for loved ones claimed in the previous week’s bombing. Should they not be stopped? Or do we await another disaster on our soil (of which civilian life lost in one day is greater than the whole of our forces' casualies) to reinspire the fires of outrage in our flighty liberal friends?

But I digress.

This war is about oil.

First post: fucking annoying bitch.

2005-08-16T17:01:00.000-07:00

So y'all invited me onto the angry blog, eh? Sweet. Because I have so much anger.

Today I'm getting some quick groceries, (quickly I might add) and I run over to the shortest line possible to check out. I didn't go to the check-yourself-out lanes because those had 4,000 people at them. With only one lady there in front of me who was already paying, I thought, "Good lane. Good choice. I love short lanes." Then after that I thought "mwha ha ha" to all the people I quickly got in front of who were behind me and I was satisfied by that. And this lady is slowly digging in her purse for something, and she's all "I just saw my discount card for here, now just a minute." So my first thoughts are, " *sighhh* hurry up please..." and I wait, and the cashier kid is all, "well ma'am I can just yadda yadda yaa bullshit......can give you the discount..... yadda yadda bla bla bla" and she goes "no no, no need for that, I just saw my card" and my second thought was "gah, fucking hurry up!" Not like I had any place to go; no, no I didn't really, I just didn't want to be standing around in there longer than need be. GEEZ. So I impatiently start looking around, trying to pass time. And it's not like I'm the only one because there were 2 other people behind me also giving the lady weird looks, probably thinking something similar to "fucking hurry up bitch". And they both had kids who were screaming and pouting. So she starts pulling shit out of her purse filled with all kinds of shit... and shit is falling on the floor, and she is so fucking insistant on finding her OWN discount card, and you guessed it... a third thought came to my mind, and that was "Gahh fucking HURRY the FUCK UP and just...... HERE, fucking use my card bitch!" I shoved my discount card at the cashier and was like "HERE!" So the stupid lady turns to me and is all "are you in a hurry or something???" all rude and shit..... seriously, who acts like that? And I was like "no ma'am I'm just trying to help (you cock-sucking slow ass moth ball smelling tiggle biddy bitch) with a smile of course and she's like "**SIGH** WELL. That' beat's anything I've ever seen ..... *insert more bullshit here...blablablabla". Tuned most of it out I did.

Do you ignore people like that? Or do you stand there and take it? Sometimes women can be the biggest bitches. Especially if they are old. Which makes me glad I'm having some pizza tonight. And rawhide dog bones are gross when recently chewed by dogs and there's dog hair all over them and you're trying to pick up your house. And gas prices can suck it!

When the fuck did this happen?

2005-08-16T11:41:00.000-07:00

Apparently, humans have been able to pick the sex of their babies for some time now. Originally, the idea was to avoid sex associated illnesses (hemophilia, color-blindness, epileptic hamster driving abilities). However, a debate is now up that would allow people to choose the sex of their unborn for purely aesthetic reasons like 'we already have a girl' or 'I can't molest a boy, I'm not gay'.
We are now just a few steps away from manipulating every little bit about our young. I know some of you think ‘Great, we are on the road to hell’ and some of you are thinking ‘Great, we are on the road to ridding diseases’. I am thinking of a world of Eliza Dushku’s and me. Aaaaaallllll-right!

Gas Pains

2005-08-14T16:46:00.000-07:00

$2.65 a gallon! $ 2 . 6 5 a G A L L O N ! I drive a hybrid car and this drives even me nuts. What will it take to force us off this serious chemical dependence on petroleum? Here is an ideal, lets stop driving cars cold turkey. Not permanently (yet), just for a week... maybe just for 3 days! We could lock ourselves up in a room of pedestrianism with a bucket for waste and one for vomitus and just wait it out. If everyone in America did that, well I am not sure what it would prove but I am sure someone would take notice. Probably not, we would just end up getting one more hit and bam we are swimming down the dirtiest toilet in Scotland. This post doesn't make much sense, and the title is nauseating. Oh well...

[Unrelated: Here is an interesting story on soldier's blogs in Iraq that was recently in Wired.]
[BAMF]

What the...

2005-07-28T00:11:00.000-07:00

So, I want very badly to support NASA. They do good things. I didn't hold it against them when they crispy fried the Apollo 1 crew (mainly because I was ummm..-20 years old). I didn't begrudge them when they sent tiny bits of Challenger crew over the USA. And, finally, I gave them the benefit of the doubt when Columbia became the most unspectacular roman candle ever. I didn't hold any of this against them because space flight is some stupid amount of hard. I mean we are taking one of us and shooting them really fast away from the ground and making them survive in a place that kills everything except Tin man and Rosie O'Donnel (she's technically a member of the undead). That's pretty frickin amazing. So the fact that they have made as few mistakes as they have and achieved shit like hitting a tiny asteroid with a projectile means that they have got my respect.

Until now...

They finally launched the shuttle again. And as of right now, the crew is still alive. But, if you didn't know a piece of tile broke off the shuttle on take off (very reminiscent of the Columbia problem). You may think that this is where I gave up on them, lost the faith as it were. But, no. It came sometime yesterday. NASA announced that they are grounding all future missions becuase they don't know what happened.

umm...

Maybe I missed something, but did the shuttle land? They grounded themselves while there is still people IN SPACE! For fun, let's not read this as NASA saying to the astronauts:

"Hope you have you last will and testament made out...cause...umm...(effecting a Carl voice)you are so frickin dead."

Let's, instead, say that this little piece of news gets to the crew and they determine that it isn't safe to land. There is now an entire crew stuck in space and NASA has already grounded the rescue option. What the shit do they do now?

All that's left now is to wait for that awesome weirdo Richard Branson to save the entire space thing by doing it privately and (most likely) correctly. (He is the smarmy son of a bitch who can't seem to screw up a damn thing.)

Damn it Blogger

2005-07-27T15:08:00.000-07:00

Why the hell doesn't this shit publish correctly? It's like it wants to hide all of my awesomeness so that it can't be found.

Anger Returns...Suck It Female Motorists

2005-07-27T00:38:00.000-07:00

I bet you can't guess my favorite part of driving. Try, I dare you.

The joy of flying around at speeds my feet will never achieve? Nope.
The comforting solitude with just me and the road? Nyet.
Listening to my favorite music at any volume I want? Nein.

It is, in fact, dealing with the awesomeness of women drivers. Now, many of you out there familiar with my outlook may be re- and rereading that last sentence lost in complete confusion. "Surely, you say, surely, Monsieur Bateman, you are jokinig. They drive about as well as a parapalegic blind Asian having an epileptic fit. Or at the very least, "Herr Bateman, what gives? I look to you to voice of all my masogenistic/politically incorrect/secret ideas (becuase you are fantastically awesome and haven't been beat down by the constant barrage of impratical, thoughtless, "accept me, but I don't have to accept you", whiney hippy bullshit.) And now you are siding with THEM?

Hold your horses, ye of little faith. First, yes they do drive about as well as a rock tumbler with feet. I didn't say otherwise. However, look on the bright side. Everytime they sit at a green light applying their makeup causing you to sit needlessly in an idle car, they give you the chance to double check you car's horn to make sure it is working for the next woman you meet on the road. Which leads to scenario two, as they slowly (and I mean really fucking slowly) turn their ridiculously large SUV on to a four lane road with no one on either side (while talking on a cell phone no less), you get to use your horn without fear AND test your reflexes as well as your car's tires, steering and handeling when you skillfully avoid rear-ending them. Finally, when they drive down the middle of a two lane road, blissfully unaware how badly their license needs to be stripped away, forcing you to slow to a crawl hoping they see you (another awesome opportunity for a horn check) and then actually turn IMMEDIATELY in front of you causing you to slam on your breaks to avoid t-boning this retard...well there's just no excuse for that kind of retardisity. But, you did get to do a break line check on your car in a real world enviornment.

So see, it's not all bad. They're making you better. And if you aren't quick enough to adapt to all the creative ways they figure out to fuck with the rules of the road, then you get to pass along all the benefits to your local body shop repairman and/or mechanic and/or insurance agent. I'm sure they will be ever so thankful for the chance to apply their trade and continue to feed their families.

Post Script:
For anyone that actually thought the second question:
Get a damn backbone people, do some research and speak out. Don't trust these retards to tell you the truth because they won't. Also, because we have failed to adequately stick up for ourselves in the last three decades, when you actually confront them with facts (you know the things that are actually true), they go all blubber-mouthed even and slack-jawed. You can use this to your advantage. (They being the dirty hippies (whether physically dirty or not) We being all the awesome folk who actually have a brain AND common sense.) But I digress.

Where is the Anger?

2005-07-17T22:14:00.000-07:00

Must get angry... If you see a dude with a ridiculous mustache, make him angry!

European Misconceptions

2005-06-20T13:44:00.000-07:00

Surprisingly, Europe is not very anger inducing. The only time I get irritated is when some of my fellow Americans (and I use that term loosely since I am technically a Texan) do dumb things that make me cringe. The Irish are the nicest people on Earth. The French are great too, as long as you don't treat them like Americans. I can clearly see where the term "Ugly American" comes from.
BAMF

Details Details

2005-05-25T20:53:00.000-07:00

Alright, when I call you.

When someone calls you and asks about a certain event that has happened in the recent past one would think they are wanting details. They may want you describe a scene, or perhaps fill in information, or tell them about what fun you had and explain why you had said fun. But according to my latest endevor, of what I thought was going be a carrying conversation about friends, this is not true. You simply just give a one sentence answer that may go something like this:

It was fun.

Or perhaps it may have a little more detailed, but it really doesn't help you decipher anything:

Washing the dog was fun.

Then if you are a proper person you ask a favor.

Hey, can you take care of my animals this weekend?

FRANKLY MY FRIENDS THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!

I really hate this type of bullshit question, but most of all I hate not getting details. For the love of god, if someone asked how something went that means they probably care about the thing they asked about. Give them details because they care. It is the nice thing to do. If they don't care, then you should punish them by giving them as much details as humanly possible, so they don't talk about stuff they find stupid.

Read ID Act: Read It

2005-05-09T18:29:00.000-07:00

Like many of you out there, I get the basics of my information from TV news. It provides a quick, simple and easily digested form of important events. (Now, as a qualifier, my definition of TV news is your local evening news, not the 24 hour pieces of crap that take up half of the useable channels on cable TV.) However, it seems that unlike most of you out there, I also do my own research. This became very apparent with the coverage on H.R. 418, short titled as the Real ID Act of 2005. Ahhhh, let me demonstrate.

Take a minute to think about what you know of the Real ID Act of 2005. Really give yourself a moment to recollect. If you're pulling a blank than your a different kind of retard that needs to do some research or forgo your right to vote. For everyone else, I will attempt to read your mind...

If you only watch the news (some more than others), you probably know:
1. It is creating a national ID card and possibly negate your driver's license.
2. It will force honest refuges seeking asylum from dangerous countries with brutal dictators out of America and back to their shithole country.

This works well because it plays on your fears and your sympathies. They could have told you that a tiny, defensless kitten was taken by big, bad scientists and injected with nuclear waste (sympathy) but this mutated kitten is now the size of Godzilla and is eating your neighborhood (fears). For some of you, that might be backwards but hopefully you get the idea.

Now...

What you would know if you weren't some retard whose huge bleeding heart clogged your ears, darkened your vision and seriously affected your mental capacities (oh yeah, and read the actual bill):
1. The bill forces all states to have a certain standard set in the design and distribution of driver's license. While it does mention ID cards, it says nothing about the creation of a national ID card. At any rate, what the fuck do you think you Social Security card is anyway? It's a card and a number that applies only to you and can be used to find you no matter where you are in the nation.
2. Actually, it will force people out of the country. Those that aren't fleeing oppressive regimes can either go through the proper channels or get the fuck out. Those that have ties to know terrorist institutions can get the fuck out. However, those that are trying to flee someone like ol' Unkie Hussein will still be allowed asylum.* Imminent danger is the key not economic hardships. Hell, I have economic hardships.

If you're thinking, "Oh Patrick, you're just a crazy conservative and are putting a crazy conservative spin on a Republican bill." Well, first off go suck a fuck. Secondly, I'm telling you what is actually in the bill. Don't believe me? Look for yourself:
Actual Bill for Retards who Think that the Internet is Only a Giant Chat Room

*Inside this is another instance of those crazy liberals jackin off the wolf so he's too tired to kill the chicken. People are fleeing dickhead dictators for safety and we should take them to show our compassion by taking them in and leaving their family to rot (that's humanitarian), but it's wrong to depose the dickhead dictator so that this refuge's family can be safe and he can live in his own home (that's war-mongering)?

By the way, if you agreed with that hypothetical question, slowly push away your keyboard. Lean your head way back and then, very quickly, slam it where your keyboard use to be. Lather, rinse and repeat until such time as you gain some common sense.

A Modest Proposal...

2005-04-28T12:11:00.000-07:00

I recently came across some evidence that shows parents don't really want their kids anymore. President Dubya is getting ready to crayon his X on a new bill (already passed in congress) that is called the Family Entertainment and Copyright Act. This act says that software developed by a Utah company which filters DVD content is legal and not a violation of copyright infringement laws. It removes offending parts of movies so kids won't have to see the violent or sexual content. Which is fine. I hate censorship, but this is not censorship. Here is my problem... who is raising America's children? If you need a device to keep your kids from watching "bad" things you are not fit to be a parent. If there is enough "bad"content in a movie that you need this device, why the hell are your kids watching it in the first place! I was never allowed to watch anything scary, violent, or sexual growing up as a kid. You want to know why? My parents gave a shit about me. They expressed an interest in how I was being raised BY TAKING AN ACTIVE PART IN MY UPBRINGING! Is this such a novel idea? I know, instead of letting the TV raise your children why don't you read a book with them. Or make them go outside? Or get rid of your TV entirely! But I can hear you saying to me, but I'm so busy and blah blah blah. You know what, everyone is busy. You chose to have those children and you have a responsiblity to them and the society you will eventually release them into. So here is the proposal part of my rant. If you don't want to raise your kids properly, why don't you just kill them. Leave them on the proverbial mountainside like the good ol' Spartans did. I mean they are just going to grow up to be like you, and guess what you are the problem. So while you're at it, why don't you save a bullet for yourself too.
Have a good one!
[bamf]

EVITE The GREATEST NEWEST THING

2005-04-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

Evite, a website that sends you invitations through email, is some of my friends newest favorite thing. They really enjoy sending everyone invitations to events, parties and gatherings that are going on, and it makes them so happy to see everyone's post on the 'Evite' about who is going.

Here is my problem with this.
Ninety percent of the time when I get an 'Evite' I have already been invited to the party. So I find it a little bit redundent.

Here is the Next annoying thing.
People want you to respond to it even if you have already given a verbal response. This is extremely annoying. Mainly because it once again is redundent.

Maybe I am just used to the old fashion way of having people personally invite me.

The most recent 'Evite' annoyed the fuck out of me because my name was in the party heading, but yet I am still expected to reply to the damn thing. Sounds stupid doesn't it.

Condem us will you?

2005-04-27T14:12:00.000-07:00

The state of things: Everyone outside America hates America. Or so we're told by the media. We're hard to get along with and we act like we are better than everyone else (Is it really acting if it's true? I mean, I don't act like a human...I am a human.) A lot of these countries (and many people here in America) side with the U.N. in condeming our actions in Iraq and saying that we misrepresented information about W.M.D.s to start shit. Now, I'm not saying that we didn't fluff some documents, but...

My problem is this, why does everyone trust the opinions of an orginization that is more corrupt than we supposedly are?

Kofi Annan and others have been charged with the Oil for Food thing. This is old news. The new news is that Kofi is being allowed by the ol' piece of crap U.N. to show only the documents that he wants to show in relation to this scandal. He is basically being allowed to pick and choose what people see in order to save face for himself and the U.N. Him and his family have been screwing people out funds and resources for years now and no one cares.

This leads into the fact that the U.N. just needs to piss off and dissolve itself. They don't do anything useful and the things they do try to do, they suck at. (There's no need for fifty sanctions, just do something about it.) For those of you who don't know, the U.N. is a reconsituted form of the League of Nations formed by President Woodrow Wilson.

This League of Nations was not acceptable as it "lacked an armed force of its own and so depended on the Great Powers to enforce its resolutions, which they were often very reluctant to do." Sound familiar?

Also, "After a number of notable successes and some early failures, the League ultimately proved incapable of preventing aggression by the fascist Axis powers in the 1930s." Ring any bells?

Finally, "The onset of the Second World War made it clear that the League had failed in its primary purpose—to avoid any future world war." Sure sounds a lot like the old United Nations to me. In conclusion, they lie and steal as much as we ever did (they just don't get scrutinized and cover each other's asses) and they are a group that serves no purpose. So, with much glee in my voice and a twinkle in my eye I say to the U.N., "I hope you can see this, because I'm doing it as hard as I can."

World's Angriest Blog

Topics

Oie! Once strong hands.

Bump

Physics made a monkey out of me.

In no particular order:

Did you miss the sign?

Many Happy Combulations Elizagerth

I gave it a day

Honorarily Anrgy...

IIPTRTEFABTGQGP, Part III

INFINITE EARNING POWER!!!!.....itty bitty vacation time.

You're all sheep! BAAAAAHHH!!!

Firstly, a Few Notes on Etiquette...

Maybe it's one of those matrioshka nesting dolls...

IIPTRTEFABTGQGP, Part II

Is it possible to reshape the Earth from a ball to giant, quivering girl parts?

Last Days on Earth

?

I hate children. And rainbows. And kittens.

Its Hard to be Racist When You're Seeing White Folk Rhythm

Choose. But Choose Wisely.

Modern Science is Better Than Sex

I'm Not Quite Angry Yet

Try moving to Zimbabwe

In other news:

It's not me, it's you.

Not pissed off yet?

Viva la revolucion!

China Syndrome

WHY WILLIE? WHY?

This weekend in sports

Do I Detect a Challege?

That thing is HUGE

A little respect...(sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me)

Damn...it's chilly in here

Scientist predicts 'mini Ice Age'

Perhaps "World's Angriest" is a Misnomer

Blatant Content Theft

damnit!

Ghost of Christmas Past

Fuqrnoassphrfft...

People That Made the World Better

I *heart* Republicans

Ten Things I Hate About The Christmas Present

The Dallas Cowboys... the girl you hit because you love her.

I made her, I rule her

A Checklist, Necrophilia Style

It's there, just go deeper

Celebrities and Global Warming Need to Die

Rah Rah Ree... Go To Hell.

A History Lesson

Please Don't Burn Paris...

HALLOWEEEEEN angrieness

Retards in the news (or more hypertext than previously seen)

Greatest Americans?

Those Idiots!

Sexists

Damn you Sky Harbor International!!!

Hey Lefties! Listen to This

They must really love me!

No Chicken Sex, No Problem

He's bad. No, he isn't. Yes, he is. No, he isn't. Yes, he is. No, he isn't. Yes, he is. Fine.

I was science before science was really Dorky

Is Shitface McJerkoff taken yet?

Strange Days

Paging Dr. Evil ... your sharks have arrived

Make America Stronger: One Backpack at a Time

No. Frickin. Crap.

Unbridled Happiness

Don't Forget the Reps.

Our Senators are Idiots

3 year olds or Democrat Senators? You be the judge

Send in... the Zombies

Hurricane Katrina-Apparently We Don't Give a Fuck

Perspective

Shhh, I am trying to watch a movie...

This man is frickin awesome

It's okay to be happy once in a while

Tofu-Munching Twerps

I heart Republicans